"Even miracles take a little time."

I was pregnant for a week.









Technically two weeks if you count before we found out.


No one ever tells you how much happiness two pink lines can bring you. You hear a lot of other couples describe fear, anxiety, and "oh, crap!"

But for couples who have only seen one pink line for the last 14 months in a row? Pure, tear-filled, laughing, hugging, jumping up and down happiness. Infertility is a beast, I tell ya.

I'll never forget the look on Lincoln's face... after we patiently watched the test on the bathroom counter and I finally saw another pink line appear on that pee stick...

"There's another line! THERE'S ANOTHER LINE! THERE'S FINALLY ANOTHER LINE!!!"

We wrapped our arms around each other and started to sob. And laugh. And shake from the adrenaline.

Then we knelt down together in prayer and thanked our Heavenly Father for giving us this gift. And we asked that we would have a healthy and happy pregnancy and baby.

Since Preston was leaving on his mission to Italy in a few days, we decided to tell our closest family and friends. Not that we could've kept it secret for long, since they all knew we had done our first round of artificial insemination two weeks earlier.

We gathered everyone around the breakfast table. We had learned how to stay "I am pregnant" in Italian and planned to have Preston try and figure it out.

So with nerves and butterflies in our stomachs we finally piped up and said, "Hey Preston! We learned how to say a new phrase in Italian and want to see if you can figure it out... Io sono incinta."

He knew "Io sono" meant "I am," but didn't know what "incinta" meant. So they all looked at us waiting for us to tell them. We told him they had to look it up.

While Preston was looking it up, the questions started pouring in and we had to fabricate some story about where we heard this phrase (TV show). Preston finally finds it and with a puzzled look says, "I am pregnant?"

I started to smile and nod my head. He said it a second time, "I am pregnant." I continued to nod my head and smile. Then Lincoln's mom said, "Who says that on that TV show?" Ha! They obviously didn't get it.

Lincoln said, "No! Jalene is saying it!"

...

Lots of hugs and congratulations continued to follow that day and the days after. I had my first blood work done and it came back with a "great" status from my doctor.

The thought of twins was always on our mind since we knew I had two mature eggs release that month, but we wouldn't find out until 6.5 weeks how many we might be carrying. Oh, the waiting!

Our due date was calculated, the calendar marked when the first trimester would be over to maybe indicate the end of morning sickness (although, I had none so far), and our baby's first outfit was purchased.

Then Thursday rolled around... I went in for my second beta test to see if my HCG levels had doubled.
I wouldn't know the results until Friday morning.

Thursday afternoon I went home and took a nap. You know all expectant mothers need their rest, right? I woke up realizing I had the most peculiar dream. I text Lincoln at work and said, "I just had a dream that my HCG test came back at 51." My first test was 46, so 51 was a bad number. It meant that the pregnancy wasn't progressing. I thought it was strange I would dream this since I didn't feel worried... beyond normal first-trimester worries.

The next morning as soon as I woke up, my dream was a reality. My levels only came in at a 55. My heart sank and I began to sob. Lincoln comforted me. He was still hopeful that everything would be okay. After all, the number didn't drop, so that was a good thing.

My doctor called me a few hours later and discussed the results. She explained that it didn't look promising, but it may have been early. And cautioned me with a chance of an ectopic pregnancy. Then she told me how we would have to do some more waiting... my most favorite activity of the past 14 months. I would get another blood test on Monday to see what my levels would come back then.

Friday was hard. I cried a lot. My spirit was shattered. Lincoln's too.

Saturday I woke up with a new perspective. I kept having the thought that "everything would be okay." I didn't know what that meant. But I felt at peace knowing it was in the Lord's hand. We went to the temple and had a really sweet, comforting experience there. We came away knowing that miracles can happen and not everything doctors say is absolute. Our faith was renewed and we had hope in our hearts. Pregnancy symptoms were getting stronger so I had hope something good was happening.

Sunday was met with more peace and assurance. But by Sunday evening, we could feel the weight of the burden we carried the last few days. We were exhausted and ready for a miracle.

Monday... One week after we finally saw two pink lines. I was back in the doctor's office giving another blood sample, with promise of results by the afternoon. The hours slowly moved by, but the second I answered the phone and heard the nurse's tone on the other end, I knew it wasn't good.

My levels had dropped to 37. The pregnancy was definitely not progressing. In fact, I was told I was miscarrying.


I am sad we never even had an ultrasound. Or heard a heartbeat.
I am sad we never got to tell this baby how excited we were when we finally got a positive pregnancy test. There will never be another first positive pregnancy test again. And I'm sad I never got to meet that baby that brought us so much happiness and excitement.
I am sad for Lincoln. It hurts to see his heart broken. He wants to have a baby so bad and I wish I could give that to him.
I am sad I will now worry more about miscarrying in future pregnancies.
I am sad all of this is such a long process.
I am sad we have to wait longer for a baby.



The hardest part is being back at square one. It is comforting to know we were able to conceive, but not knowing if it will take another 14 months in daunting. I was trying to be naive thinking we wouldn't ever have to deal with a miscarriage. Our trial was infertility... and we conquered it.

I'm not sure why we are being stretched and tried... I am not sure what were supposed to be learning. Maybe patience? I've learned a lot of that in the last year. But I do know we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows what is best for us and he blesses us daily. I know He has a plan for me and Lincoln and we trust Him. I know miracles are in store for us. And I know someday we will have a baby.

I hope in the future when I'm 9 months pregnant and uncomfortable and swollen and my ligaments are sore and I've had every pregnancy symptom in the book, that I remember to never take being pregnant for granted. Even though it's not always lovely and fun, it is a beautiful gift that I would trade any pregnant woman right now. I will gladly take the morning sickness, the constant need to pee, the weight gain... ALL of it, if it meant I could have a baby. And when my kids are running around the house and not sleeping at night and I'm tired and my house is a disaster, I hope I remember how hard it was to get them here and how nothing else really matters. I hope I remember how lucky I am to be their mom, because I know how it feels to be a woman who isn't a mom but wants to be one.




...



It couldn't have been more perfect for this to show up in my Pinterest feed this week:

Below the caption read: "No matter how your heart is grieving... if you keep on believing... the dream that you wish will come true."

I always knew Cinderella was my favorite Disney Movie for a reason.

Infertility

I want to thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts with me the other day about my infertility post. I had no idea so many of you still read this silly blog.

I kind of felt silly afterwards for posting it because it happened to be a really bad, and highly emotional day and I ended up sounding really depressed, which I'm not.

I mean, I'm sad and frustrated sometimes with my body, but I'm slowly learning how to relinquish control and realize it's not up to me when and how a baby comes into our family. We have hard days of disappointment, but we are pretty happy and agree that we have really great lives.

I know there are others out there who have dealt with much longer and more difficult infertility struggles than I have. I pray that I never get there, but the reality is, it's a possibility. I want to give you all a big giant hug. I suppose we are all in this together even though our stories are all different.

Again, I suppose all of this is for a reason. I wasn't exactly quite comfortable becoming pregnant early on in our "trying" days. And I'm not sure if I will ever feel completely ready to be a mom. Being a mom opens up a whole world of anxiety for me. It's probably a good thing it didn't happen fast, because now my whole focus has changed to just actually getting pregnant. If that happens, then I can start worrying about being a mom.

My heart aches along with you... all of you who replied with your own infertility struggles. Sometimes I think how unfair it is that people who don't even want a baby can get pregnant so easily... And then I remember that life isn't fair... And then I remember the saying my dad always told me growing up, "If life were fair, we'd all be fairies." And that would just be weird...

In matters of that heart, it is never easy to let go of control of something you desire so much. 

The hardest thing for me to accept is that my body isn't working how it is supposed to. I keep blaming the birth control pill, and it may or may not be the actual reason... I don't know. Half of me wonders what the heck is going on with the world, because I swear, every where I turn, someone I know has complications with fertility. I know there are all these theories on environmental factors and our diets... and I wouldn't be surprised if it were all linked somehow. I've learned that our bodies are very sensitive. And even if no outward symptoms are present, other quiet problems could be affecting us and we may never know.

I just hope those of you who never struggle to get pregnant never take that for granted. It's not like anything else... You can't exactly practice getting pregnant, get better at it each time and finally succeed. We are just left wondering... "Why isn't this working?! It seems so easy for everyone else."

I feel kind of weird talking about where we are in the fertility process, so if that also weirds you out, feel free to stop reading here. But maybe talking about it will offer me some insight of what other people did and what worked for them, etc.

One doctor... my doctor I ditched and couldn't get any answers from... immediately told us we should try IUI based on some test results. It's not as expensive as IVF, but it's still a pretty penny, and I knew there were other steps before IUI that could help get my cycles back on track. So I ditched her... and for many other reasons, and by luck (or divine intervention) found the most amazing fertility doctor.

My fertility doctor, who I love, recommended we try clomifene (clomid) and was hopeful we could get pregnant without doing IUI. That's where we are now. We finally know exactly what is going on every step of the way. Our doctor is so thorough and does regular ultrasounds (luckily I am on two insurances) so we know exactly how I'm responding and everything. I am crossing my fingers I responded to the medication this month. If it's any indication I am responding with how many hot flashes I have been having, then we are on track!


There are really crappy days dealing with infertility... but I'm trying to keep my spirits up and not let it consume me.

Again, I thank you all for being so kind and reaching out. I really really appreciate it. Love you all!

heart aches.

This has been a hard post to publish.

But I suppose if I start talking about this to the universe, some healing or miracles will occur.


We are struggling with infertility.


And everything that comes with that word is much deeper and more painful than anyone knows who has never struggled with infertility.

I have told myself over and over that sometimes it takes a long time... and that's okay... and it will happen... and I haven't really let it get to me. But today I cried. I cried while eating my Lucky Charms at breakfast. This kind of disappointment every single month is confusing. You tell yourself to expect the worse so you aren't disappointed again, but you can't help feel the sting of a negative pregnancy test cut deeper and deeper in your broken heart.

Your life completely changes when infertility is on your mind every day...



It means:

Patting yourself on the back because you're starting prenatals before you're pregnant. Then realizing you've gone through an entire bottle before you're pregnant... then two bottles, then three... Then you think you should just give up taking them, but worry about not taking them because you could be pregnant.

Feeling silly worrying about twins after being told by the doctor you don't have any (none, zilch) follicles ready to mature into eggs... There you were worrying about two babies and now you don't even have a chance at one.

You start wondering if you should start adding ovulation and pregnancy tests into the monthly budget since you've had to purchase them again and again.

Start questioning the accuracy of the absence of that other pink line. Then actually thinking you might see the tiniest resemblance of a line... moving it back and forth and in different light for ten minutes... then finally admitting there is nothing there. Then thinking you're crazy because you're imagining lines.

Wondering if you shouldn't buy a new piece of clothing because you won't fit into it when you're pregnant.

Realizing you should probably pull out that preparing for pregnancy book again because it's been a year since you last read it.

Feeling bitter towards those already expectant moms who complain on Facebook about morning sickness, heartburn, swollen feet, etc.

Passing the due date you would've had if you got pregnant the first month of trying.

Knowing others who have gotten pregnant and had their baby after you started trying. And you wonder how many pregnant women you know now will have their babies before you ever get pregnant.

Wondering how in the heck any teenager accidentally gets pregnant.

Feeling like taking birth control for two years was a waste of time and money, because after actively trying you still can't get pregnant. What good was that doing?

Unemphatic doctors who tell you just to "be patient." Feeling like something is wrong, but having doctors who won't do anything about it.

Receiving "abnormal" tests results that make you feel all hope is lost and getting no explanation of what they mean.

Thinking how fun it would be if you had a baby the same time as this friend/sister and realizing it is a lot harder to time those things.

Watching dates/holidays race by when you thought you could be telling family you are expecting in a creative way.

Feeling the strain infertility has on a marriage. And feeling the pain of seeing disappointment again and again on your spouse's face.

Worrying the name you have picked out will be too trendy and then realizing those kids with your same name are now one/two years old.

Accidentally peeing on your hand... again.
Getting really good at peeing in a cup/on a stick.

Questioning every cramp, spout of nausea, sore throat, sore boob, fatigue...thinking this could "the month."

Realizing you will now be (insert age) if you get pregnant now... and that number just keeps climbing.

Worrying that you might be "one of those couples" who can never have kids. That the possibility of becoming pregnant is no longer a "when" but an "if." Something you've always talked/thought about growing up always being a "when" and now has the chance of never happening.

Laughing out loud at yourself for naively thinking you would be "one of those couples" who gets pregnant the first month.

Not thinking people's fake pregnancy announcements on April Fools are even remotely funny.

Having apps and calendars specifically concerning your cycle.

Joining forums to find some sort of relief or answers... Getting obsessed with the forums... Realizing it's too much for your sanity... Leaving forums.

Not knowing how honest to be when at a friend/family gathering and someone asks, "So when are you two going to have a baby?"

Thinking every time you eat a Caesar Salad, that it might be your last.

Realizing you're the statistic out of your group of friends.


...........................................................................................................................


I suppose some day that all of this will seem but a short moment in our lives, but right now it's long, hard and frankly, it sucks. It's painful and depressing and disappointing.


I'm ready for it to be over.

hello.

Oh, dear.  It's been a while hasn't it?  This is been probably the craziest summer of my life.  I photographed 22 weddings in 16 weeks.  It was a lot.  But it was also amazing.  It is such an amazing thing to have a confirmation that you are doing something you love AND make money for it.  The madness has settled down and I finally have had time to reflect.

This summer has been so wonderful with work, but I am feeling somewhat emotional about how unexciting our life is.  Our life is not glamorous.  Not even close.  The days I am not shooting, I still at my computer (usually in my undies) alllllll day.  Before I know it, it's 5:00 and I try and find something for dinner.  Then we usually watch TV and go to bed.  Except I don't fall asleep for at least three hours because for some reason I've had some weird insomnia come into my life. 

You know how when you're in high school or college, friends are your life.  At least they were for me.  Being basically an only child, I spent a lot of time with friends.  Once you're married, you still spend time with friends, but not every day like in college.  We have some pretty awesome friends who we love spending time with, but with schedules and babies making their way into this world, our time together is getting sparse.  Other couples like us probably spend their time with their families as well.  Well, we see my parents every week or so, which is great.  But every member of Lincoln's immediate family is living in another part of the county/world. 
I'm not going to lie.  I miss them.  A lot.  It would be so nice to just pop in for Sunday dinner and hang out for a couple hours.  We have been very fortunate to see them often, but it's not the same.  Even though we haven't moved away from the places we grew up, we kind of feel like we live "out of state," away from our family.  The time between visits seems to last forever.  I'm excited for them to come home.  (And for Chase & Leah to move back... that's soon, right, even though you just bought a house in Kansas...)  Since Lincoln and I have been married, his parents and younger siblings have been serving a mission.  When I think about all Lincoln and I have experienced and how we have had two years of marriage, it feels like they have been gone for a looooooong time.  And out of those two years, I've spent a collective 30 some-odd days with them when we have gone to visit.  We are so blessed to have them serving in Oklahoma and we love it there, but we really miss them.  *sigh*... less than a year left.  I suppose all of this I'm feeling is my constant battle with that thing called "balance."  It is so hard for me.  If any of you have the answer to this, please share!

Basically, the time between seeing family and us being so wrapped up in life (work, school, laundry, grocery shopping, busyness) seems to go by so fast, yet so slow.  Nephews and little brothers grow up so fast, don't ya know?  And all I feel like I do is stare at a computer screen the majority of my days.  It just feels so underwhelming and lonely.  And it's kind of annoying.  This is why I am going to attempt to blog again... To take the time to reflect and think.  Something I haven't been doing a lot of lately.  Writing can be an incredible outlet.  Especially when lonely (for me).  And there are so many people in the blogging world that I feel particularly attached to and connecting with them has been a very enjoyable part of my life (past and present).

Sounds like I need a good vacation, right?
In about a week we will be flying to Oklahoma to pick up Lincoln's little sister, Abby, from the airport from the return of her mission in Chile.  I am sooooo excited to see her.  I think our family has felt a little incomplete since she has been gone.  It will feel so good to all be together again for the first time since December 2010, even if it's only for one and a half days.
About three weeks after that, Lincoln and I will be traveling to Poland for 12 days.  Lincoln served and LDS mission in Poland and holds a very special place in his heart for the country and people.  It will be a wonderful trip to take together and get to see the place he talks about daily.


So hello, again, dear blog.  Nice to see you again.  I can't make promises of anything glamorous or exciting, so don't expect much, but I'm glad to have you back in my life.


And what kind of photographer would I be if I didn't include a photo... even if it's a ridiculous one:

heartbreak.

gosh, where do i start?

we had to do something terribly sad today. 

something i hope i never have to do again.

remember how lincoln's family lives in oklahoma?

well, we have been taking care of their cat, allie, while they are gone.

yesterday we went over to their house to check on allie, but we couldn't find her.

she's an outside cat and sometimes is off hunting.

so we went back today to check on her...

lincoln found her in the garage laying there moaning.

he called me in a panic.

luckily, i was just getting off work when this happened, so i called the vet, ran and got lincoln, and we took her right in.

she couldn't walk and we were terrified.

i thought she may have gotten hit by the car.

luckily our vet is a good family friend and he was right there when we arrived.

he examined her and thought maybe she had a back injury and that's why she wasn't walking,

so they did an x-ray.

nothing, 

structurally she was fine.

so he did a blood test...

he came back and said he's never seen a blood test like her's and said it was completely full of white blood cells.

leukemia.

heart break.

basically, we could treat her and make her comfortable for a while longer.

or let her go.

she was getting old and the decision was made to let her go.

keep in mind, lincoln and i are the only ones in our family left here in utah.

allie is 13 years old.

same as rusty.

in a matter of three hours, we found out she had leukemia and said our final goodbyes.

we are so terribly sad.

it's absolutely devastating to lose a pet.

lots of tears and swollen eyes over here today.

she was such a sweet little lady.

we sat with her for the last half hour of her life, petted her and kissed her head.

and we were there when she passed.

we buried her in the backyard and marked her grave.

love her.

and she will be deeply missed by our family.

just stopping by.

friday!

my last friday off in a LONG time.

and lincoln has to work, so i'll probably just do boring stuff.

more of our family has been affected by the storms.

my mother's cousin (lee allphin) was in the tornado in joplin.

watch their story here.

it is a miracle they survived.

and some of leah's family had terrible damage to their home in atlanta.

the devastation is so sad!

even though there are a lot of sad things happening right now, there are still a lot of happy things.

my childhood friend, justin, and his wife, emily, welcomed their identical twins in the world!

cade is on the left, and cole is on the right.

i had the pleasure to photograph their birth story... well, kind of.  she had a c-section, so i photographed them after.

aren't they perfect?  i stared at them forever with a smile on my face.  you just can't help it!

i hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

eternal families.

hello, all.

i hope your mother's day weekend was wonderful, mom's and future mom's alike.

lincoln got in trouble by me and his family for not doing anything for me.

*cough* don't forget next year *cough*

:)

but i guess he slightly made up for it by letting me order a vintage pearl necklace last night.

he also gave me a nice elbow in the face in the middle of the night in his sleep.

thanks, husband.  haha

we spent this mother's day motherless.

my mom is currently visiting south africa with my dad.

and lincoln's mom is in oklahoma serving as a mission president.

we missed both of our mom's, but we got to skype and email with them.

yesterday was also my dad's birthday.

happy birthday, dad!

and wednesday is lincoln's dad's birthday.

it's a week of celebrating our parents!

we also got to talk to lincoln's beautiful little sister, abby, on saturday.

she is serving a mission in santiago, chile.

it was SO wonderful to hear from her.

she is so happy and can speak spanish beautifully (from the little i know).

***********************************

this weekend we actually spent a great deal mourning with some of our closest friends.

this sweet dear couple gave birth to a still-born at just under 20 weeks.

ever since we heard the news friday evening, my heart has felt broken.

since both of their parents live far far away (and we were parent-less as well), we took them dinner yesterday evening and cried with them.

i can't believe the things they had to experience this week, and how strong they are now.

it made us think a lot about the miracle that is child birth and how we would handle the same situation.

we love this couple dearly, and hate to see them go through such pain.

but we both know they will see their little girl again someday.

and they will be able to hold her and love her and raise her.

we are so grateful to be an eternally family.

if you would be so kind... pray for our friends.

love you all.

i offically hate this.

some days i can handle the whole long distance thing...


some days i really can't.

today was one of those days.



i really hate it.



i hate that i turn into a grouch.


me acting like a grouch is super annoying.


i get annoyed with myself for being a grouch
which turns me into an even bigger grouch.

(is the word "grouch" starting to sound weird to anyone else?)


can you see how ridiculous this is?

ugh.



i thought today,
"man... those military wives are saints. i could never do that."
seriously.



any of you have advice for long-distance relationships?
and how to not turn into a grouch by day #2 during the week?
and how to get through the other 4 days?






i could use it.



thanks.

haiti.

when i heard about haiti suddenly my "problems" this week seemed very very small.




i want to apologize for my very selfish habits lately.


as i watched the news reports i was humbled very quickly.
i sat on the couch awestruck by the completely chaos.

i felt this overwhelming compassion for the people in haiti.

and realized how ungrateful i was being for my wonderful life.


i can't even imagine how scared they must be.
how many can't find their family members.
how many people they will have to bury.

how lost they must feel.



you know what reminds me there is good still left in the world?

when something like this happens,
nations from all over the globe come together and

help.


there are many groups out there to help, but if i could recommend one it would be this one

LDS Church Relief in Haiti.



remember to say a prayer in your heart for the people of haiti.






photos via ksl.com

F is for Funk

sometimes i get in this weird funk.
it's like a volcano waiting to erupt, really.

i think lack of sleep was the culprit this week.
me being required to wake up before the sun rises just isn't realistic.
i hope my babies inherit the talent of sleeping in from me... who i am kidding, right?
i was even poked (poked!) by a kid behind me in class on tuesday because my head was bobbing.
sleep.
i really like my sleep.

anyway, back to my funk.
the day of the eruption i usually feel completely uninspired, void of thought, dormant, etc.
like yesterday for example.
i thought, i should write something for my blog. but nothing came. so i gave you a quote. that's all i had.
but i know inside my thoughtless funk, i have a billion emotions that need to be released.
hence, the eruption.
but in this funk, i can't pinpoint them all.
i don't even know where to begin!

so yesterday,
i was worrying a lot about the future.
ya know, that girl thing where we like to plan plan plan??
and make sure we are prepared?
and pack way more outfits than we need for a vacation, because you never know if you'll need it?
well, i kind of feel very unprepared for my future.
it's just kind of scary, this grown up stuff, ya know?
the unknown?
i know i just need to tell myself over and over that i'm going to make mistakes, i probably won't get things right the first time around, i have time, it'll be okay, etc...
but in that funk of mine, i tend to forget.

lincoln knew something was up.
intuitive little guy.
but i honestly didn't know what was wrong.
nothing was wrong at all, really.
i didn't know what to say.
i'm thankful he kept prying instead of giving up on me.
i could tell he was frustrated.
but prying, he did.
and then the eruption began.
things i didn't even know were bottled up in my little head and they started to pour out.
and he listened and calmed me and told me everything would be okay.
and not in an "i'm only saying everything will be okay because i don't know what else to say" kind of boy-way.
i really believed him.
he might not have believed me in my quiet tearful "okay" replies
but i did feel better.
after we got off the phone
i got in the shower and just had a good sob session. i let the water run over my face and mix with the tears.
sometimes it's just what you gotta do. okay, well maybe it's just what i have to do.
let's face it. i'm an emotional person. okay, i'm an extremely emotional person.
but letting the tears flow is the gateway to my freedom from the funk! hah!
oh, the funk.
i'm pretty much always on the verge of tears spilling out of my ducts.
the news, an obituary of someone i don't even know, anything nienie writes, extreme home makeover, biggest loser, happy things... pretty much anything will get me.

okay, maybe i should rename this blog "all about lincoln" but i have to say this...
i think one of the most amazing things about him is that
he is the calm to my storm.
an obvious contrast to the past

i feel safe and at a peace.
and can i just say, that is HUGE for me!
don't get tired of hearing it because every day i love that boy more and more.

today it was because he was patient enough to help me get out of my funk.





thanks, lincsta.

I'm in a rut.

I've kinda reached this point...

A point where I feel like I'm kind of failing at everything right now.

You see,
I'm having trouble:

1. managing my time.
- Um... I haven't gone grocery shopping since the 21st of August. (I know, WHAT?!)... (Did ever mention how much I HATE shopping and cooking for one person. I do... I really really do.)
- I'm finally taking my car in to get the oil changed today. I should have done it 1000 miles ago. (Oops!)

2. enjoying school.
- Nothing is making me super excited about my area of study this semester. I kind of blame the professors. I think a good teacher makes everything. But this still concerns me. 2 1/2 semesters shy of graduation and I'm thinking... Can I really do this?... Will I be any good?... Holy heck!!! The real world is just around the corner!... Am I doing the right thing?... Ugh!

3. remembering things.
- I swear I write things down and forget where I put them.
- I feel super flaky... and I hate flakiness... so naturally I'm super mad at myself.

4. pursuing photography.
- Life is so busy right now. And all I want to do is practice and shoot and read and edit photography. But I can't. I don't have the time or the funds right now. Speaking of funds...

5. managing being a dirt poor college student.
- But it could be worse.

6. blogging.
- My brain is being compacted with info on housing, debt, health care, research, and all those other things above and I feel my blog has been neglected.
- I miss the inspiration. So sorry for the short posts recently.

I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for following and commenting and making me feel loved. I truly adore you. I'm going to plan and organize so I can breathe again and then I think I'll be okay. I don't think I'm going on a hiatus, but give me some time to get back my inspiration.

And if anyone would like to fund a vacation to Mexico for me and take over all my responsibilities, I might love you forever. Yep, I would. :)

There are so many things to do.
I should be:
-Eating healthier
-Exercising.
-A better friend.
-A better roommate.
-A better student.
-A better employee.
-A better daughter.
-A better photographer.

How do people do it???? I'm still figuring it out.

That's all.


Thanks again.

Loves.

Crumpled up Saran Wrap

It's been one of those days...

I heard some bad news today.
And it broke my heart.
And it's kind of weird and confuses my head.
One of those.
Ya know, like it doesn't seem real?
And I can't really do anything.
I'm just sad.

But okay at the same time.
Does that make sense?

I just love people a lot.


It's also been one of those days...
Where I totally just ate one fresh peach
(home grown by the parentals)
and a Rice Krispie treat for dinner.

Because that's how I do things around here.


That is all.

*sigh*

It's funny how in just a few short hours I can acquire something to blog about.

One simple sentence can cause tears, frustration, questions, broken-ness...


(Ahem...) Let me begin.


The last six months have been

well,

very trying.


I'm extremely blessed, don't get me wrong... I've managed to keep all my limbs intact, family and friends alive and well, place to live, food to eat, income to provide... for reals. I'm SOOO blessed.

But I can honestly say that the last six months of my life have been the hardest-- emotionally-- of my life.

I'm really trying to be positive and hopeful through all of it, but I need to vent a little bit.

Basically, I don't understand any of it. I think that is the most frustrating part. I don't understand why I was lead in certain directions, why I worked so freaking hard for so long to make it work, and why I am the one left here...... alone.

And it's funny because I know I haven't felt that "forever" was a possibility with anyone yet, but I have loved.

A total of 3 men.

So why should I even care if I knew it wasn't the forever kind?

When I was younger I always thought I would meet someone, fall in love, and get married. I don't think I ever comprehended loving more than one guy. It didn't really seem possible. I'm not even sure why I thought that.

I've always been the type of person to say, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." But sometimes, like right now, I kind of wish I would have only loved one person. (that sentence was really hard to type.)

Because loving is so hard.

Do you want to know why?

I have this curse (blessing) on guys I date... The majority of them will find their bride-to-be shortly after our break up. The shortest of these... 3 weeks--Engaged... That's right, 3 1/2 weeks after our parting. And I think maybe I could handle this happening once in my life, but no... It's a very hot trend.

And quite honestly, it sucks.

A lot.

So I sit here on my bed, at two o'clock in the morning, with a mascara stained face wondering when it will happen for me.

I'm really trying to be patient and optimistic. Really really trying.
I believe my Heavenly Father will provide and he's watching out for me and he knows what best. That's all I have to hold onto. A little clarity would be nice, but it'll come.



My heart just longs to be complete,
to be with someone who thinks I'm cool,

to be loved forever...

Ya know?

Pain.

Love this.
It's something I've always wanted to say, but never found the words.

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all.
People talk about how great love is, but that's bull.
Love hurts.
Feelings are disturbing.
People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.
How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up.
People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong.
Pain is something to carry, like a radio.
You feel your strength in the experience of pain.
It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters.
Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you.
Your own reality.
If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality.
You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

--Jim Morisson

Well said, Sir.

*** POST EDIT***
Okay, let me clarify my thoughts on this quote.

First, I really do believe love is great, but not in the same way I did when I was 18. It's hard, but great all at the same time. I just think the world's perception of love is skewed.
And second,
the main reason I love this quote is because I've been told one too many times, "You shouldn't feel that way." or "You have no reason to feel that way." or "Get over it." or something of that nature. MY feelings are MY reality. They make me who I am. So I'm saying I'm not afraid of telling the world I am happy, in pain, sad, mad, or whatever! I can't begin to tell you how many times I've contemplated emotions and how intricately they are connected with our spiritual beings. I am saying I'm not afraid of myself or my emotions or my reality. I love myself for all the crazy emotions I have. I am someone who feels things, believes things, and

my friends,

I am not mediocre.

I have been awakened. And I believe I am carrying [it] quite well.

Quite Honestly

every single day I wake up in pain...
the broken kind of pain.
the cry-so-much-you-want-to-throw-up kind of pain.

quite honestly,
choosing happiness is a daily struggle.
somehow, there is a little piece of me that still believes.
believes in love.
the magical kind.
no, not my dashing-prince-coming-to-rescue-me magical kind.
the I will love you for every quirk, imperfection, talent, and wrinkle kind.
the I will hold your hair back during morning sickness kind.
the I will be there every step of the way through chemo kind.
the forever kind.

somehow.
I still believe that exists for me.

slowly, but surely I'm picking up every shattered piece of myself and am trying to put it back together.
the pieces that so carelessly were broken because of a, "I don't love you enough."

this is what blogging is for me.
my outlet.
my reminder of who I am, what I stand for, what makes me ME!
and I really like me.
and I want someone else to really like me.


so I wanted to thank you,
thank you all for commenting and making me feel....... loved.
I love new readers because YOU change my life with your beautiful blogs.
all of you are amazing and beautiful and totally inspiring.



thanks for making my week brighter.

for reals.

Bitter Sweet

Jalene Junior is gone.



And it's true, I cried a little bit.

Oh gosh, it's so very sad.
But I keep reminding myself that I have a nice new car that I'm happy with.

And I sold Jalene Junior for WAY more than I thought I could. Ad was listed for less than 48 hours! And technically the guy I sold it to called me 10 hours after I listed it and was sure he wanted to get it.

BUT, I promise you that I will never ever love a car as much as I loved my very first car. Pinky promise you. Aww, the memories. I will miss it dearly.

Even though I'm sad to see my little car go with Jason, it's new owner (a very nice man who I told to take good care of it), I realized the car was only a symbol of memories. Just like it tagged along for all those good times. The best part about it all is all those memories include people I still have in my life who I never have to give away or sell. I get to keep them forever.
My wonderful beautiful amazing friends.

I couldn't just pick one picture. Mostly because it was hard to find one with all 9 of us. There was usually one of us missing.End of our Senior year. We look so young.


This was the day before we all moved away to college. We all cried... a lot.


This is everyone.


And one of my all-time-favorite pictures of my lovelies. I love them more than anything! For realsies.


One of those good friends reminded me today that I have to tell myself my car isn't a human... and I will be okay. Thanks, Whit.




I'll still miss it.

it's the end as we know it

I just kind of got really sad.
about eight months ago, I moved to Logan.
mostly to go to school, and mostly to be on my own.
i moved into my very first apartment.
got my very first roommates.
i had no idea what to expect.
and i think i was really lucky.

i can't believe how fast these months have flown by.
it may be just another school year for most of you.
but for me,
it was the hardest.
and the best.

i'm going to bawl my eyes out writing this post.
but i have to thank you.
all of my lovely Logan friends that i love dearly.

you'll find some good memories here and here and here.

but here's the good stuff.

to kristin: thank you for making me laugh. thank you for being the best listener ever. thanks for being my roommate for a semester before you get married to mr. kenny. thanks for being there when i needed you this year. thanks for being scared with me when we found the crimson reculouse spider in my room. really, thanks for everything. we will be friends forever. i know it.
i don't think i can say thank you enough for how much i've appreciated our friendship over the years.

happiness. i love kristin so much!



random memory:
one time we played the twisty arm game
randomly
one night in the mountains.




to bri: thanks for all your kind words. and especially thanks for being here that one night... you remember that night... to hug me and listen to me kind of freak out. (sorry for the hysterical crying). i was so grateful you were here. thanks for letting me read scriptures with you a few times. thanks for listening to my endless drama. thanks for everything, bri-ster. i love you.


sara and bri. my very first roommates. ever.



80s dance.


to seth: thanks for decorating our apartment with your art. YOU ARE THE MOST TALENTED KID I KNOW. i am dead serious about this one, folks. thanks for letting me be your student and shoot with you. i don't think i've ever met anyone as crazy as you. and possibly have never laughed harder. thanks for being my friend. i love you, durf!






this was the sunday evening we spent quite a chunk of time with my camera set on self timer.
i laughed so hard.
and i was so happy.


to shane: i honestly have never met anyone like you. you can make anyone smile. i don't really think i'll miss you laughing so hard that you throw up... maybe i will. i think the thing i will miss most is your amazing testimony and way you live your life. you've fought a battle that i can't even imagine having to endure. i'm so grateful you did so you could share your testimony with me. i will be forever changed. i love you, shane.


i love kristin's reaction here.

to jaren: even though you aren't with us anymore in this mortal state, i still think about you everyday. just like shane, you fought a tremendous battle in life. even though your life was cut short, you showed us all how to live. i didn't know you as much as i would have liked to, but i will remember you for the rest of my life. you. are. amazing. thanks for reminding us to live our dreams. we miss you and love you.


to the shriv: watch out folks, you'll hear this one on the radio someday. she has the most beautiful voice. believe me. sara, thanks for blessing me with your talent. thanks for having an opinion about things and being open minded. you taught me a lot about life. i will forever admire your uniqueness. and i will miss you making me laugh so ridiculously hard. you will do amazing things with your life. i know it. thanks for listening, talking, and laughing with me. i love you, sara.



and last but not least

to mr. jas-face: i know you're all graduated and "hooded" or whatever, but how can you seriously leave Logan? i guess i'm okay with it. you can go be a statitician now. thanks for the many arrested developement episodes. thanks for the many scoot rides to campus, walmart, and such. thanks for the random pop-ins to see how i'm doing. thanks for the music, food, laughs, etc. mostly i want to thank you for giving me a priesthood blessing when i really needed it. i will never forget that. ever. you probably don't know the strength it gave me to move on with my life. i will be forever grateful. i guess if you don't move to like spain, or ireland, or some place far far away, i'll ask you to play at my wedding. thanks for being a great friend. i love you, jason. "have a great life!" ;)


i can't believe this first year is over.
but i'm ready for what's next.
i'm ready for more friends, new friends, amazing people to teach me about life!

it's a new beginning for me.
changes are going to happen.
it's going to be hard but i'm exciting for new opportunities.
i think this also involves a new blog look as well.
more on that soon.

thank you all from the bottom of my heart. and thanks to Logan for becoming my home. i will see you this summer, unlike all these other crazies above.
they are all leaving!! :(

**and just so you all know, there were many more people who impacted me this semester. i promise i love you too!


love jalene

No title

I have some things to say.

Yes. It's 3:00 in the morning and more than anything right now, I probably need sleep. But sleep will not come until I can talk... write... in this case because everyone I know is asleep.

Life is really hard right now. I think that every piece of me that wasn't broken just broke. I don't know what to do. That sentence is the only one I've known for about 4 months now. I thought I couldn't feel any more heartache than I already have, but tonight it was surpassed.

I have been stupid. And I have faced the consequences. I have been SO stupid. I think I was stupid because I was confused. Have you ever felt completely crazy because you're being pulled in so many directions? I have. It is not fun. I tried to counteract those confusing feelings, but just ended up doing stupid things.

I guess what I'm trying to get at it is, you can't please everyone. If I have any advice for the world it's to try your hardest to hold on to what makes YOU feel good. That may sound selfish but if you try and do what other people think you should do, you'll get confused, then act stupid, then lose the person who is the last person you want to lose. Then you feel foolish. But you can't do anything about it because they have their agency. You love them enough and hope they are happier. Because of your stupidity you didn't give them that. You (I) chose that.

Agency. Sometimes I feel so not prepared to be given this gift from my Heavenly Father. I feel foolish for the way I've used it in my life recently. I am heart broken.

I am not that person. I am not the person I want to be right now. But I'm going to get there again. It is all I want right now. To feel like me again. To feel like my head is on straight.

Maybe this is the direction my course needs to take.


I don't know.


Thanks for listening.

The Road

Do you ever wonder if you're doing the right thing with your life?
For instance, today I just kept thinking about how restricted I feel. I absolutely hate the fact that I feel like work and money control my life. I hate that my schedule is decided by someone else. One day I'm going to work for myself and do what I want when I want. It's just hard because we need money to survive, right? I hate that. I hate worrying about money and feeling like I'll never be able to afford all the "grown up" stuff. It's hard getting old. I just don't know how to accomplish every thing I want to right now because I have to work to survive and it doesn't seem like there is enough time for anything else but studying. Studying for a degree I'm not sure what I'll do with, but it's something I enjoy... so far.
Do you ever wonder if you're loving the right people? If you're not loving enough? Being the best friend you can be? Today I thought about how selfish I have been lately. I have very little knowledge about what is going on in my friend's lives right now. I'm sorry if you are one of those friends and feel neglected. I really do care about you!!! Promise.
I guess I believe I'm really where I'm supposed to be. And I keep thinking it really is where I'm supposed to be because it's so gosh dang hard! I know life isn't easy. God doesn't make it that way... so I really must be where I'm supposed to be.
I can't really tell if this choke in my throat is because I'm getting sick or because I'm going to cry.
And think it's because I need to cry.

Feeling like...

my heart hurts.


a lot.