4.26.2009

No title

I have some things to say.

Yes. It's 3:00 in the morning and more than anything right now, I probably need sleep. But sleep will not come until I can talk... write... in this case because everyone I know is asleep.

Life is really hard right now. I think that every piece of me that wasn't broken just broke. I don't know what to do. That sentence is the only one I've known for about 4 months now. I thought I couldn't feel any more heartache than I already have, but tonight it was surpassed.

I have been stupid. And I have faced the consequences. I have been SO stupid. I think I was stupid because I was confused. Have you ever felt completely crazy because you're being pulled in so many directions? I have. It is not fun. I tried to counteract those confusing feelings, but just ended up doing stupid things.

I guess what I'm trying to get at it is, you can't please everyone. If I have any advice for the world it's to try your hardest to hold on to what makes YOU feel good. That may sound selfish but if you try and do what other people think you should do, you'll get confused, then act stupid, then lose the person who is the last person you want to lose. Then you feel foolish. But you can't do anything about it because they have their agency. You love them enough and hope they are happier. Because of your stupidity you didn't give them that. You (I) chose that.

Agency. Sometimes I feel so not prepared to be given this gift from my Heavenly Father. I feel foolish for the way I've used it in my life recently. I am heart broken.

I am not that person. I am not the person I want to be right now. But I'm going to get there again. It is all I want right now. To feel like me again. To feel like my head is on straight.

Maybe this is the direction my course needs to take.


I don't know.


Thanks for listening.

6 comments:

Jo-Anne said...

Jalene--This post made me get a big lump in my throat.
I have words to say but I feel all I can do is send big {{HUGS}} your way.
Pray. Listen.
You will find your way. I know you will.

Jessica Leigh said...

Jalene! I love you! Everything will work out -- but I understand what you are saying . . . I don't know that I'm ready for all the trust our Heavenly Father has in us . . . but isn't it good to know that even when we feel alone we are never truly alone and the one who is always there is the one who can see the entire picture at once and the way everything fits together.

Loves!

Whitney said...

love you

katrina said...

I wish HE would say that to me. It would be the start to something better.

You'll be okay. I can tell.

Lindsay said...

Love you Jalene, I'm sorry!

.M@k3nZ!e. said...

I think we are in the same boat.
this sucks huh?
too bad i'm not in Logan anymore or we could watch sad movies and eat lots of ice cream together.
Miss ya.
hope to be back up there soon.