hello.

Oh, dear.  It's been a while hasn't it?  This is been probably the craziest summer of my life.  I photographed 22 weddings in 16 weeks.  It was a lot.  But it was also amazing.  It is such an amazing thing to have a confirmation that you are doing something you love AND make money for it.  The madness has settled down and I finally have had time to reflect.

This summer has been so wonderful with work, but I am feeling somewhat emotional about how unexciting our life is.  Our life is not glamorous.  Not even close.  The days I am not shooting, I still at my computer (usually in my undies) alllllll day.  Before I know it, it's 5:00 and I try and find something for dinner.  Then we usually watch TV and go to bed.  Except I don't fall asleep for at least three hours because for some reason I've had some weird insomnia come into my life. 

You know how when you're in high school or college, friends are your life.  At least they were for me.  Being basically an only child, I spent a lot of time with friends.  Once you're married, you still spend time with friends, but not every day like in college.  We have some pretty awesome friends who we love spending time with, but with schedules and babies making their way into this world, our time together is getting sparse.  Other couples like us probably spend their time with their families as well.  Well, we see my parents every week or so, which is great.  But every member of Lincoln's immediate family is living in another part of the county/world. 
I'm not going to lie.  I miss them.  A lot.  It would be so nice to just pop in for Sunday dinner and hang out for a couple hours.  We have been very fortunate to see them often, but it's not the same.  Even though we haven't moved away from the places we grew up, we kind of feel like we live "out of state," away from our family.  The time between visits seems to last forever.  I'm excited for them to come home.  (And for Chase & Leah to move back... that's soon, right, even though you just bought a house in Kansas...)  Since Lincoln and I have been married, his parents and younger siblings have been serving a mission.  When I think about all Lincoln and I have experienced and how we have had two years of marriage, it feels like they have been gone for a looooooong time.  And out of those two years, I've spent a collective 30 some-odd days with them when we have gone to visit.  We are so blessed to have them serving in Oklahoma and we love it there, but we really miss them.  *sigh*... less than a year left.  I suppose all of this I'm feeling is my constant battle with that thing called "balance."  It is so hard for me.  If any of you have the answer to this, please share!

Basically, the time between seeing family and us being so wrapped up in life (work, school, laundry, grocery shopping, busyness) seems to go by so fast, yet so slow.  Nephews and little brothers grow up so fast, don't ya know?  And all I feel like I do is stare at a computer screen the majority of my days.  It just feels so underwhelming and lonely.  And it's kind of annoying.  This is why I am going to attempt to blog again... To take the time to reflect and think.  Something I haven't been doing a lot of lately.  Writing can be an incredible outlet.  Especially when lonely (for me).  And there are so many people in the blogging world that I feel particularly attached to and connecting with them has been a very enjoyable part of my life (past and present).

Sounds like I need a good vacation, right?
In about a week we will be flying to Oklahoma to pick up Lincoln's little sister, Abby, from the airport from the return of her mission in Chile.  I am sooooo excited to see her.  I think our family has felt a little incomplete since she has been gone.  It will feel so good to all be together again for the first time since December 2010, even if it's only for one and a half days.
About three weeks after that, Lincoln and I will be traveling to Poland for 12 days.  Lincoln served and LDS mission in Poland and holds a very special place in his heart for the country and people.  It will be a wonderful trip to take together and get to see the place he talks about daily.


So hello, again, dear blog.  Nice to see you again.  I can't make promises of anything glamorous or exciting, so don't expect much, but I'm glad to have you back in my life.


And what kind of photographer would I be if I didn't include a photo... even if it's a ridiculous one:

mr. and mrs. crazy

sometimes i wonder why the heck both of us are working two jobs and starting our own businesses all at the same time.  that's me starting my business.  and lincoln starting his business.


that's six jobs.




between the two of us.



you would think we are trying to kill ourselves.

well, it's working.

i feel...

what a week already!

and it's only wednesday.

help me.


i still have two huge projects to finish by friday.
that's been somewhat of a struggle because the internet in my apartment has decided to quit for the last two weeks of class.  it's awesome.

oh!  and did i mention that's it's snowing?
it's april 28, and it's snowing.
i especially fell in love with the snow this morning when i was walking to the shuttle and a big pile of it fell off a telephone wire directly on my head.  that also was awesome.

i've also been searching/worrying about a job once i move from this snowy place to a place down south.  the positions have been few and far between.  if any of you know how to land an interview, let me know.



2 more days of class... 2 more.

will i survive?

if you don't hear from me by saturday, i may have died.




cross your fingers for me.

18 more days

i feel like i complain a lot on this blog.
and i'm sorry if you think so too.

but maybe complaining isn't anything other than observing.

right now i'm observing that i am burned out.  tired.  done.

i can hear my dad asking, "is your candle burning at both ends?"

yes, dad.  it is.  the candle is burning at both ends, and it is almost extinguished.
i think my dad would ask me this question every year of my life.
this is nothing new, people.  my candle is always burning at both ends.


i'm so tired.  like, really tired.  tired.  you got that?  tired.
school is killing me.  and i kind of want to give up.
but i just don't have it really in me to actually give up with 2 weeks left, but i really really want to.

i'm done with the 8 hour assignments that make me hate two column formatting with a passion.
(two column formatting will turn you into a crazy person.)
i'm done with the group projects.
i'm done with the 7 page papers.
i'm done with the quizzes.
i'm done with the exams.

sadly, i'm not literally done with all these things.

so. much. time. and. energy.
i have no more.

i'm having a hard time really enjoying where i am right now.
and i know i should.

but maybe i don't really want to.
and that is making everything else harder.

again, i'm far from perfect.
sometimes i make things harder than they should.


there is just so much to do.

and there is just nothing i can cut out.

blogging? no.  this is my refuge.


how do i not anticipate the end of this?... because i'm going crazy.
crazy with anticipation.  to never have to take a final again.  or do homework.
and to live within 5 miles of lincoln.
the days seem to get longer as the end approaches.
because of the crazy anticipation, i'm thinking.

on monday, a friend in my major asked me to take some graduation pictures for her on campus.
it's been hard for me to really focus on actually graduating because of everything else going on.  as we walked around on that beautiful warm night, i thought about how much the experiences here (at USU) have changed me and how much i love this school.  it seems like i was here such a short time, but forever at the same time.  a part of me will really miss it. 

but most of me is ready to move on.  is that okay?


probably the most delicious thing right now would be a big fat vacation.  i desperately need one.

who has senioritis?  raise your hand!

news flash: i'm a jerk!

yesterday and today turned into a double dose of bad days.

i think the biggest contributor to my mood was this huge horrendous paper that consumed all of my brain power.

now it's over and turned in.


but some how this paper made me lose all filtering systems
and i kind of took out my frustrations on the computer lab worker this morning.

and now i feel really bad.
what i was thinking wasn't supposed to come out of my mouth, but it did.
and she didn't need to hear it.


i have this terrible flaw when i get stressed.
every   little   thing sets me off.

it started with the internet not working in my apartment,
so i had to drive up to the library on campus,
then the boy who sat across the table from me tapped his foot for two hours straight,
then my printer decided to quit working,
then i had to pay for prints on campus,
which didn't print correctly,
but i still had to pay for them,

and this was the result of the words coming out of my mouth before i had a chance to filter.



now i feel like a big fat jerk.




gosh, i really need to work on the whole stress thing.


**POST EDIT**
i went back and apologized.  luckily she was still there.

i feel better now.

the result of snow, stress, and seclusion.

i'm ornery today.

and just fyi, when someone tells you that you are being ornery, even though you know you're being ornery, it doesn't exactly make you any less ornery.

and i know i should probably stop being ornery because it really is a waste of time.

i totally get that.


but it snowed like a foot today.  so the snow made me ornery.  and wet.


and just a word of advice, don't be engaged for 6 months.

it totally bites.

no one should have to think about wedding planning for more than 4 months.


and i wouldn't recommend having a long distance relationship.  that really bites too.

i'm so lonely up here, gosh dang it.



and don't take 21 credits, work 30 hours a week, and a plan a wedding all in the same semester.

it will probably make you ornery too.




just sayin.





peace out.

this ornery girl is going to bed.
it is probably the best thing for the world.

nylons at

hour ten of the day...

are very very uncomfortable.

just sayin.

late night thoughts.

i have something to say...

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i hate school.

there, i said it.

i could think of about 5 million other things that i would rather be doing with my life right now.  and i could think of just about as many things i would have rather done on my friday night, but instead i stared at a computer screen for 4+ hours purging my brain of recent trends in income, consumption, wealth, employment, and .... something else that i can't remember.

you see what it did to me?

it broke my eyeballs and fired my brain.

am i even making sense?

you see, i really do believe in education.  it's something i value tremendously, and i'm very grateful for it.  but about a semester ago, i realized that i was in the wrong major.  well, it's the right major because i do learn a lot and a lot of it is really applicable to life in general, 

but it's not fun anymore. 

it's only hard,

and boring, 

and dull, 

and time consuming, 

and i feel like i'm not learning anything anymore.  

can you see how that would be frustrating?

besides, i think all my teachers have this evil plot against me to destroy every ounce of capacity in my body by scheduling things due all in the same week.

for instance, this week i had 3 horrendous exams, 2 ginormous papers, and 1 really hard quiz.  next week i have like 3 little assignments and a really easy quiz.

seriously, who does that?

are they trying to steal my sanity?  

well, it's working.

the night ended with me in sobbing tears with strained back muscles, broken eyeballs, and an exploded brain.  

not a great state of being, if i do say so myself.

or maybe their evil plot is to try and fail all the students their last semester so they have to retake classes and pay the university even more money!

i don't know.  what do you think?

thanks for letting me admit that here on cyberspace.

i hope you all have a lovely weekend. 

my amazingly awesome activity for a friday night.

last night,
i was in a very bratty mood.

just ask lincoln. ahem.


and it was one of those times when i knew i was being a brat, but didn't know how to stop being a brat, you know?
please tell me you know.


so i decided to move stuff.
meaning--rearrange my room.

and that all sounds like a really good idea,
until you actually start moving stuff,
because you suddenly remember you have absolutely no arm strength.

really people, no biceps muscles whatsoever.

and dressers and beds and bookcases are really heavy!

so here i am on a friday night
huffing and puffing
pushing and pulling
all the items in my room to a different location.

that's just how awesome my friday night was.
i wish it would’ve helped me get out of my bratty mood.
but it didn’t.

sorry, linc.



tonight will be much better.
lincoln will be here, and we all know i function much better when he’s here.



p.s. can i just tell you how much i think you rock?!! all the ideas and responses to my shoe dilemma helped sooooo much! you people are gems! i just might be able to find wedding shoes!

loves.

just one of those days.

hey, it's me again.

debbie downer.

what up?


well, i spent the majority of the day crying.



ahem.


earlier today i was being pouty because of the whole long distance thing.

just a bad day to begin with.


thanks for you suggestions though!
you guys are great.


and then my shoe decided today to squeak when i walk.
lame.


then i went to observe a counseling session.
i have to do this for my major.

by the way, these counseling sessions...
not that easy to get into.
especially with my schedule.
21 credits and 30 hours of work is kind of restricting time wise, just fyi.

i show up early.
and chipper.

then the secretary tells me the appointment changed from 4:00 to 3:00
and i missed it.
and no one told me!




this was the straw that broke the camel's back.
i don't have time for things like this to happen!!
hello?!


so i said thank you
and left.

i walked out to my car and called my mom.
because that's what you do when your world comes crashing down, right?

and i cried
and told her how much i hate school
and hate living here
and hate winter.

which isn't all entirely true, but in the moment it is.

and she talked to me while i drove to the grocery store where i could buy eggs
so i could make funfetti cookies.
because that's what you make on a bad day.

after loading up my cart, i proceeded to the check out line,
my eyes already red and my skin blotchy from a day of crying.

the girl is ringing up my eggs, strawberry popsicles, juice, skittles, and life savers.




and
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

i don't have my wallet.

i don't have my wallet!


yep, still in my backpack.
at home.


and my day just got a million times better.


i tell the girl, "i forgot my wallet. i'll be back."
and run out of Smiths with tears running down my face,


again.




as i drove home to retrieve my wallet i start laughing amidst the crying
because of the stupidness of this day.


lincoln told me to go take a nap.
i think that sounds like a good idea.




it's just one of those days that i'm not particularly good at functioning.


apparently.


you can laugh, i won't feel bad.

i offically hate this.

some days i can handle the whole long distance thing...


some days i really can't.

today was one of those days.



i really hate it.



i hate that i turn into a grouch.


me acting like a grouch is super annoying.


i get annoyed with myself for being a grouch
which turns me into an even bigger grouch.

(is the word "grouch" starting to sound weird to anyone else?)


can you see how ridiculous this is?

ugh.



i thought today,
"man... those military wives are saints. i could never do that."
seriously.



any of you have advice for long-distance relationships?
and how to not turn into a grouch by day #2 during the week?
and how to get through the other 4 days?






i could use it.



thanks.

i'm too tired to think of a title.

i often think about that thing called

capacity.

given the circumstances, i've applauded my immune system thus far in this crazy semester i've gotten myself in to.

but i've wondered if that thing called capacity has reached its limits in the immune system area

because today i'm feeling nothing short of

utterly exhausted.

i'm hoping this will only last for one day

and i'm hoping i haven't contracted something.

have you ever been so tired that all you can think about is how you would give anything in the world to have a bed to lay on?

i commend my body for lasting this long.

we are in week 4. only 12 to go.

i think tonight calls for a healthy meal and early bed time.

honk-shoo.

once upon a time i felt like a psycho.

have you ever laid in bed at night
thinking about that tear
that is slowly escaping the corner of your eye
you focus on it
as it slowly makes its way across the bone of your nose
then it gains speed
as it glides over the peak
and rushes toward your cheek
than it slows down again
it makes its way across your face
and then dips down into your ear
filling all the twisty-curvy parts?


fascinating,
don't you think?


that's what i did last night.
traced the tracks of my tears.





i don't mean to be a debbie downer as of late.
i just don't know how to do this.
this--meaning life.
i'm having an emotional break down every week!

gosh! somebody slap me.
i feel like a psycho.


k,
here's my attitude change.

today is friday.



and everything
WILL BE OKAY.

one week at a time.
one week at a time.




have a great weekend!