I was pregnant for a week.
Technically two weeks if you count before we found out.
No one ever tells you how much happiness two pink lines can bring you. You hear a lot of other couples describe fear, anxiety, and "oh, crap!"
But for couples who have only seen one pink line for the last 14 months in a row? Pure, tear-filled, laughing, hugging, jumping up and down happiness. Infertility is a beast, I tell ya.
I'll never forget the look on Lincoln's face... after we patiently watched the test on the bathroom counter and I finally saw another pink line appear on that pee stick...
"There's another line! THERE'S ANOTHER LINE! THERE'S FINALLY ANOTHER LINE!!!"
We wrapped our arms around each other and started to sob. And laugh. And shake from the adrenaline.
Then we knelt down together in prayer and thanked our Heavenly Father for giving us this gift. And we asked that we would have a healthy and happy pregnancy and baby.
Since Preston was leaving on his mission to Italy in a few days, we decided to tell our closest family and friends. Not that we could've kept it secret for long, since they all knew we had done our first round of artificial insemination two weeks earlier.
We gathered everyone around the breakfast table. We had learned how to stay "I am pregnant" in Italian and planned to have Preston try and figure it out.
So with nerves and butterflies in our stomachs we finally piped up and said, "Hey Preston! We learned how to say a new phrase in Italian and want to see if you can figure it out... Io sono incinta."
He knew "Io sono" meant "I am," but didn't know what "incinta" meant. So they all looked at us waiting for us to tell them. We told him they had to look it up.
While Preston was looking it up, the questions started pouring in and we had to fabricate some story about where we heard this phrase (TV show). Preston finally finds it and with a puzzled look says, "I am pregnant?"
I started to smile and nod my head. He said it a second time, "I am pregnant." I continued to nod my head and smile. Then Lincoln's mom said, "Who says that on that TV show?" Ha! They obviously didn't get it.
Lincoln said, "No! Jalene is saying it!"
...
Lots of hugs and congratulations continued to follow that day and the days after. I had my first blood work done and it came back with a "great" status from my doctor.
The thought of twins was always on our mind since we knew I had two mature eggs release that month, but we wouldn't find out until 6.5 weeks how many we might be carrying. Oh, the waiting!
Our due date was calculated, the calendar marked when the first trimester would be over to maybe indicate the end of morning sickness (although, I had none so far), and our baby's first outfit was purchased.
Then Thursday rolled around... I went in for my second beta test to see if my HCG levels had doubled.
I wouldn't know the results until Friday morning.
Thursday afternoon I went home and took a nap. You know all expectant mothers need their rest, right? I woke up realizing I had the most peculiar dream. I text Lincoln at work and said, "I just had a dream that my HCG test came back at 51." My first test was 46, so 51 was a bad number. It meant that the pregnancy wasn't progressing. I thought it was strange I would dream this since I didn't feel worried... beyond normal first-trimester worries.
The next morning as soon as I woke up, my dream was a reality. My levels only came in at a 55. My heart sank and I began to sob. Lincoln comforted me. He was still hopeful that everything would be okay. After all, the number didn't drop, so that was a good thing.
My doctor called me a few hours later and discussed the results. She explained that it didn't look promising, but it may have been early. And cautioned me with a chance of an ectopic pregnancy. Then she told me how we would have to do some more waiting... my most favorite activity of the past 14 months. I would get another blood test on Monday to see what my levels would come back then.
Friday was hard. I cried a lot. My spirit was shattered. Lincoln's too.
Saturday I woke up with a new perspective. I kept having the thought that "everything would be okay." I didn't know what that meant. But I felt at peace knowing it was in the Lord's hand. We went to the temple and had a really sweet, comforting experience there. We came away knowing that miracles can happen and not everything doctors say is absolute. Our faith was renewed and we had hope in our hearts. Pregnancy symptoms were getting stronger so I had hope something good was happening.
Sunday was met with more peace and assurance. But by Sunday evening, we could feel the weight of the burden we carried the last few days. We were exhausted and ready for a miracle.
Monday... One week after we finally saw two pink lines. I was back in the doctor's office giving another blood sample, with promise of results by the afternoon. The hours slowly moved by, but the second I answered the phone and heard the nurse's tone on the other end, I knew it wasn't good.
My levels had dropped to 37. The pregnancy was definitely not progressing. In fact, I was told I was miscarrying.
I am sad we never even had an ultrasound. Or heard a heartbeat.
I am sad we never got to tell this baby how excited we were when we finally got a positive pregnancy test. There will never be another first positive pregnancy test again. And I'm sad I never got to meet that baby that brought us so much happiness and excitement.
I am sad for Lincoln. It hurts to see his heart broken. He wants to have a baby so bad and I wish I could give that to him.
I am sad I will now worry more about miscarrying in future pregnancies.
I am sad all of this is such a long process.
I am sad we have to wait longer for a baby.
The hardest part is being back at square one. It is comforting to know we were able to conceive, but not knowing if it will take another 14 months in daunting. I was trying to be naive thinking we wouldn't ever have to deal with a miscarriage. Our trial was infertility... and we conquered it.
I'm not sure why we are being stretched and tried... I am not sure what were supposed to be learning. Maybe patience? I've learned a lot of that in the last year. But I do know we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows what is best for us and he blesses us daily. I know He has a plan for me and Lincoln and we trust Him. I know miracles are in store for us. And I know someday we will have a baby.
I hope in the future when I'm 9 months pregnant and uncomfortable and swollen and my ligaments are sore and I've had every pregnancy symptom in the book, that I remember to never take being pregnant for granted. Even though it's not always lovely and fun, it is a beautiful gift that I would trade any pregnant woman right now. I will gladly take the morning sickness, the constant need to pee, the weight gain... ALL of it, if it meant I could have a baby. And when my kids are running around the house and not sleeping at night and I'm tired and my house is a disaster, I hope I remember how hard it was to get them here and how nothing else really matters. I hope I remember how lucky I am to be their mom, because I know how it feels to be a woman who isn't a mom but wants to be one.
...
It couldn't have been more perfect for this to show up in my Pinterest feed this week:
Below the caption read: "No matter how your heart is grieving... if you keep on believing... the dream that you wish will come true."
I always knew Cinderella was my favorite Disney Movie for a reason.
