Infertility

I want to thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts with me the other day about my infertility post. I had no idea so many of you still read this silly blog.

I kind of felt silly afterwards for posting it because it happened to be a really bad, and highly emotional day and I ended up sounding really depressed, which I'm not.

I mean, I'm sad and frustrated sometimes with my body, but I'm slowly learning how to relinquish control and realize it's not up to me when and how a baby comes into our family. We have hard days of disappointment, but we are pretty happy and agree that we have really great lives.

I know there are others out there who have dealt with much longer and more difficult infertility struggles than I have. I pray that I never get there, but the reality is, it's a possibility. I want to give you all a big giant hug. I suppose we are all in this together even though our stories are all different.

Again, I suppose all of this is for a reason. I wasn't exactly quite comfortable becoming pregnant early on in our "trying" days. And I'm not sure if I will ever feel completely ready to be a mom. Being a mom opens up a whole world of anxiety for me. It's probably a good thing it didn't happen fast, because now my whole focus has changed to just actually getting pregnant. If that happens, then I can start worrying about being a mom.

My heart aches along with you... all of you who replied with your own infertility struggles. Sometimes I think how unfair it is that people who don't even want a baby can get pregnant so easily... And then I remember that life isn't fair... And then I remember the saying my dad always told me growing up, "If life were fair, we'd all be fairies." And that would just be weird...

In matters of that heart, it is never easy to let go of control of something you desire so much. 

The hardest thing for me to accept is that my body isn't working how it is supposed to. I keep blaming the birth control pill, and it may or may not be the actual reason... I don't know. Half of me wonders what the heck is going on with the world, because I swear, every where I turn, someone I know has complications with fertility. I know there are all these theories on environmental factors and our diets... and I wouldn't be surprised if it were all linked somehow. I've learned that our bodies are very sensitive. And even if no outward symptoms are present, other quiet problems could be affecting us and we may never know.

I just hope those of you who never struggle to get pregnant never take that for granted. It's not like anything else... You can't exactly practice getting pregnant, get better at it each time and finally succeed. We are just left wondering... "Why isn't this working?! It seems so easy for everyone else."

I feel kind of weird talking about where we are in the fertility process, so if that also weirds you out, feel free to stop reading here. But maybe talking about it will offer me some insight of what other people did and what worked for them, etc.

One doctor... my doctor I ditched and couldn't get any answers from... immediately told us we should try IUI based on some test results. It's not as expensive as IVF, but it's still a pretty penny, and I knew there were other steps before IUI that could help get my cycles back on track. So I ditched her... and for many other reasons, and by luck (or divine intervention) found the most amazing fertility doctor.

My fertility doctor, who I love, recommended we try clomifene (clomid) and was hopeful we could get pregnant without doing IUI. That's where we are now. We finally know exactly what is going on every step of the way. Our doctor is so thorough and does regular ultrasounds (luckily I am on two insurances) so we know exactly how I'm responding and everything. I am crossing my fingers I responded to the medication this month. If it's any indication I am responding with how many hot flashes I have been having, then we are on track!


There are really crappy days dealing with infertility... but I'm trying to keep my spirits up and not let it consume me.

Again, I thank you all for being so kind and reaching out. I really really appreciate it. Love you all!

heart aches.

This has been a hard post to publish.

But I suppose if I start talking about this to the universe, some healing or miracles will occur.


We are struggling with infertility.


And everything that comes with that word is much deeper and more painful than anyone knows who has never struggled with infertility.

I have told myself over and over that sometimes it takes a long time... and that's okay... and it will happen... and I haven't really let it get to me. But today I cried. I cried while eating my Lucky Charms at breakfast. This kind of disappointment every single month is confusing. You tell yourself to expect the worse so you aren't disappointed again, but you can't help feel the sting of a negative pregnancy test cut deeper and deeper in your broken heart.

Your life completely changes when infertility is on your mind every day...



It means:

Patting yourself on the back because you're starting prenatals before you're pregnant. Then realizing you've gone through an entire bottle before you're pregnant... then two bottles, then three... Then you think you should just give up taking them, but worry about not taking them because you could be pregnant.

Feeling silly worrying about twins after being told by the doctor you don't have any (none, zilch) follicles ready to mature into eggs... There you were worrying about two babies and now you don't even have a chance at one.

You start wondering if you should start adding ovulation and pregnancy tests into the monthly budget since you've had to purchase them again and again.

Start questioning the accuracy of the absence of that other pink line. Then actually thinking you might see the tiniest resemblance of a line... moving it back and forth and in different light for ten minutes... then finally admitting there is nothing there. Then thinking you're crazy because you're imagining lines.

Wondering if you shouldn't buy a new piece of clothing because you won't fit into it when you're pregnant.

Realizing you should probably pull out that preparing for pregnancy book again because it's been a year since you last read it.

Feeling bitter towards those already expectant moms who complain on Facebook about morning sickness, heartburn, swollen feet, etc.

Passing the due date you would've had if you got pregnant the first month of trying.

Knowing others who have gotten pregnant and had their baby after you started trying. And you wonder how many pregnant women you know now will have their babies before you ever get pregnant.

Wondering how in the heck any teenager accidentally gets pregnant.

Feeling like taking birth control for two years was a waste of time and money, because after actively trying you still can't get pregnant. What good was that doing?

Unemphatic doctors who tell you just to "be patient." Feeling like something is wrong, but having doctors who won't do anything about it.

Receiving "abnormal" tests results that make you feel all hope is lost and getting no explanation of what they mean.

Thinking how fun it would be if you had a baby the same time as this friend/sister and realizing it is a lot harder to time those things.

Watching dates/holidays race by when you thought you could be telling family you are expecting in a creative way.

Feeling the strain infertility has on a marriage. And feeling the pain of seeing disappointment again and again on your spouse's face.

Worrying the name you have picked out will be too trendy and then realizing those kids with your same name are now one/two years old.

Accidentally peeing on your hand... again.
Getting really good at peeing in a cup/on a stick.

Questioning every cramp, spout of nausea, sore throat, sore boob, fatigue...thinking this could "the month."

Realizing you will now be (insert age) if you get pregnant now... and that number just keeps climbing.

Worrying that you might be "one of those couples" who can never have kids. That the possibility of becoming pregnant is no longer a "when" but an "if." Something you've always talked/thought about growing up always being a "when" and now has the chance of never happening.

Laughing out loud at yourself for naively thinking you would be "one of those couples" who gets pregnant the first month.

Not thinking people's fake pregnancy announcements on April Fools are even remotely funny.

Having apps and calendars specifically concerning your cycle.

Joining forums to find some sort of relief or answers... Getting obsessed with the forums... Realizing it's too much for your sanity... Leaving forums.

Not knowing how honest to be when at a friend/family gathering and someone asks, "So when are you two going to have a baby?"

Thinking every time you eat a Caesar Salad, that it might be your last.

Realizing you're the statistic out of your group of friends.


...........................................................................................................................


I suppose some day that all of this will seem but a short moment in our lives, but right now it's long, hard and frankly, it sucks. It's painful and depressing and disappointing.


I'm ready for it to be over.

hello.

Oh, dear.  It's been a while hasn't it?  This is been probably the craziest summer of my life.  I photographed 22 weddings in 16 weeks.  It was a lot.  But it was also amazing.  It is such an amazing thing to have a confirmation that you are doing something you love AND make money for it.  The madness has settled down and I finally have had time to reflect.

This summer has been so wonderful with work, but I am feeling somewhat emotional about how unexciting our life is.  Our life is not glamorous.  Not even close.  The days I am not shooting, I still at my computer (usually in my undies) alllllll day.  Before I know it, it's 5:00 and I try and find something for dinner.  Then we usually watch TV and go to bed.  Except I don't fall asleep for at least three hours because for some reason I've had some weird insomnia come into my life. 

You know how when you're in high school or college, friends are your life.  At least they were for me.  Being basically an only child, I spent a lot of time with friends.  Once you're married, you still spend time with friends, but not every day like in college.  We have some pretty awesome friends who we love spending time with, but with schedules and babies making their way into this world, our time together is getting sparse.  Other couples like us probably spend their time with their families as well.  Well, we see my parents every week or so, which is great.  But every member of Lincoln's immediate family is living in another part of the county/world. 
I'm not going to lie.  I miss them.  A lot.  It would be so nice to just pop in for Sunday dinner and hang out for a couple hours.  We have been very fortunate to see them often, but it's not the same.  Even though we haven't moved away from the places we grew up, we kind of feel like we live "out of state," away from our family.  The time between visits seems to last forever.  I'm excited for them to come home.  (And for Chase & Leah to move back... that's soon, right, even though you just bought a house in Kansas...)  Since Lincoln and I have been married, his parents and younger siblings have been serving a mission.  When I think about all Lincoln and I have experienced and how we have had two years of marriage, it feels like they have been gone for a looooooong time.  And out of those two years, I've spent a collective 30 some-odd days with them when we have gone to visit.  We are so blessed to have them serving in Oklahoma and we love it there, but we really miss them.  *sigh*... less than a year left.  I suppose all of this I'm feeling is my constant battle with that thing called "balance."  It is so hard for me.  If any of you have the answer to this, please share!

Basically, the time between seeing family and us being so wrapped up in life (work, school, laundry, grocery shopping, busyness) seems to go by so fast, yet so slow.  Nephews and little brothers grow up so fast, don't ya know?  And all I feel like I do is stare at a computer screen the majority of my days.  It just feels so underwhelming and lonely.  And it's kind of annoying.  This is why I am going to attempt to blog again... To take the time to reflect and think.  Something I haven't been doing a lot of lately.  Writing can be an incredible outlet.  Especially when lonely (for me).  And there are so many people in the blogging world that I feel particularly attached to and connecting with them has been a very enjoyable part of my life (past and present).

Sounds like I need a good vacation, right?
In about a week we will be flying to Oklahoma to pick up Lincoln's little sister, Abby, from the airport from the return of her mission in Chile.  I am sooooo excited to see her.  I think our family has felt a little incomplete since she has been gone.  It will feel so good to all be together again for the first time since December 2010, even if it's only for one and a half days.
About three weeks after that, Lincoln and I will be traveling to Poland for 12 days.  Lincoln served and LDS mission in Poland and holds a very special place in his heart for the country and people.  It will be a wonderful trip to take together and get to see the place he talks about daily.


So hello, again, dear blog.  Nice to see you again.  I can't make promises of anything glamorous or exciting, so don't expect much, but I'm glad to have you back in my life.


And what kind of photographer would I be if I didn't include a photo... even if it's a ridiculous one:

our life lately.

man, i'm getting really terrible at this whole blogging thing.

life lately has been really wonderful.

for no really exciting reason, just plain old wonderful.

i just returned home from a week in las vegas attending wppi.

it was such a great experience for me and was just what i needed at this time to get motivated and get ideas for my business.

being able to work full-time running my business has been so so great.

it's hard to not get discouraged at times, but for the most part i am very much enjoying myself.

i knew quitting my job would be hard but i knew i would be so much happier doing photography full time.

this has proved itself to be true.  i am so happy doing what i love and it is so fulfilling to put 100% of my time and energy into my business... FINALLY!

i also feel very fortunate to be at home with lincoln for most of the day.  there was a time in our marriage where we were both working so much (and lincoln was schooling) that we only saw each other for about 20 minutes before our heads hit the pillow.  that time in our life didn't last very long because we were both so unhappy.

no money in the world is worth that.  

we are definitely more poor than we were at that time, but we are so much happier.

 i think midge is happier that we are home all day too.

here are some recent instagram pictures, because let's face it, that's how i document my life now days.

some cool lines in the sand from the air:

me standing on the mantel hanging up some products:

 

proof that lincoln and i are starting to dress alike:

 

midge's cat twin on big bang theory:

 

the real midge:

 

manages to find every stack of clean towels/clothes to nap on:

 

us:

 

the bellagio fountains:

 

merry christmas & happy new year!

i could sit here at talk about how i haven't blogged in 40 days but that would be completely boring and not worth your time.

it's been a while, eh?

and somehow i've gained more followers on my hiatus.  which is odd, because i tend to lose followers when i blog.  so we will see how this goes.

i'm not even sure if anyone even reads this blog anymore except my mom.

hi, mom!

but just in case, i will still update you on our mundane life.

it seems like everyone in the blogging world, and everyone in our circle of friends has announced within the last month that they are expecting a baby!  while this is super exciting and happy, it sure makes our life seem rather dull.  the pressure is also on like donkey kong!  for real, peeps.  lincoln is even more baby hungry than before.  i guess he likes to keep up with the joneses.

serious baby boom coming next summer.  maybe there is something in the water?

so everyone has super exciting things to blog about, like babies.  and all we have over here is work and school and eating and sleeping.  so naturally, there are much more exciting things going on other than here.

but just in case you're still reading, i'll tell you about something else!

so basically for the last... 4 months i have been burning my candle at both ends,

working my little tail-feather off,

balancing two full-time jobs.

and it has been HARD!

needless to say, i've been busy.

working full-time at a day job and running my photography business during every spare second of the day.  i've been extremely blessed to work with some fabulous clients during the fall.  it has been such a joy to have so much photography business to keep me sane.

at the same time, it was killing me to wake up and go to my day job.  i worked there for four long years, all throughout college.  i felt like i had reached my potential there and spending 40 hours there a week was making me miserable.  miserable!!!

again, i was so fortunate having so much photography business the 2nd half of the year, that i felt like it was a good time to pursue photography full-time.  this decision had been eating at me for months.  it was probably one of the hardest decisions i've ever had to make.  leaving something secure and familiar is extremely frightening.  but finally getting to pursue my dream career is extremely exhilarating!

some people did not agree with or support my decision, but after prayerfully considering it, my last day was thursday.  it was a bitter sweet goodbye.  i have made so many friends during my four years there and change isn't always easy.

but again, i am so excited and relieved to finally be pursuing my photography business full-time.  i have to thank all my fabulous blog friends who have trusted me as their photographer and helped me progress on this road.  i strongly feel like my quality of life will increase and i will be a much happier, pleasant person.  (good news for lincoln!)  i have so many plans and ideas for my business that i am so excited to implement.  i'm looking forward to not working myself to death.

so there is my life.  it's been a super stressful but exciting thing for me.

it's not a baby!  but that will come with time.

hopefully i will visit this blog more often now :)

give me some comment love to let me know you're still reading!

we live!

i guess that (almost) month long hiatus was a much needed break.

i don't know if anyone is still around reading this blog, but just in case you were wondering,

we live!

we all know how much i love moving, and since we just did that again we've kind of been busy unpacking and stuff.

we also decided it would be best if lincoln quit his job and just focused on school.

so i've been doing the bread winning around here, which means regular job + photographing every spare second.

we have also kind of maybe thought about lincoln changing career choices.

which is really scary but also may be really good for us.

lots of changes and lots of busy-ness but we are happy as clams.

both of our birthdays are coming up and we are also going on a little cruise (which sails on my birthday!!)

lincoln is also begging me for:

a) another kitten

b) a puppy

or 

c) a baby

that guy...

anyway... in case you forgot what we look like...

i made lincoln let me take pictures of him today in his church outfit cause i liked it so much:

and then there's me:

p.s. my mom made this skirt for herself in the 60s from a vogue pattern.

i love it.

and we can't forget little midger.

we love her and think this picture is hilarious.

and that's our happy family.

it amazes me how fast life can pass you by.

how easy it is to get caught up in the mundane and go months without truly living your life.

funny how routine can be extremely detrimental to someone's happiness.

but yet we are so scared of change or trying new things.

yes, change is scary, but it helps us grow. 

and i don't know if i've ever met a single person that didn't learn something from change.

all we do is work work work.

and i feel sad that this is what defines our life right now.

(our kids will think we are so boring.)

but is this what all young married 20-somethings are doing?

working?

how do you truly live you life and do all those other things at the same time?

i want to know.

i want to feel again.

this is your life.

today i was telling a friend how i can't be a good wife, a good employee, a good photographer, a good blogger, a good sister, a good housekeeper, a good cook, and a good friend all at the same time.

can anyone really do that?

if you can, will you please come over here and tell me how to be so organized to be able to be good at all those things?

or tell me that that kind of organizational talent is born inside you, and i have no hope for the rest of my life?

i could always wish for more hours in the day, but i hear loads of people have already tried that.

so i wish my body could survive on less sleep, because then i might be able to be good at all those things.

but my body is screaming, "no no no!"

it needs sleep.

oh, sleep.

i love sleeping.

and then, as i'm so absorbed in all this self-reflection,

something happens.

as it always does.

that makes me rethink my priorities.

terrible.  sad things.

happening to people i love and care about.

my blood-related.

which made me sit and think for a while tonight about choices...

and how they affect others 

and how important it is to make good choices in life.

and then all of sudden, those things don't seem that big of deal anymore.

like always.

why do i always forget?

i found this tonight on the interweb.

not sure of the source, but it was very fitting.

my run in with a garbage can.

i feel like i completely lost my mind today.

there are more reasons to that conclusion than i'll admit here...

except for this one...

because it's kind of funny.

and ironic.

lincoln left his cell phone at job #1 last night so he couldn't take it with him at job #2 this morning.

i jokingly told him that today would be the day i would get in a car accident and he wouldn't find out for hours on end because there would be no way to contact him.

i'm kind of dramatic like that.

.........................................................................................

this morning i had an early meeting with a photography client.  as fate would have it, my printer ran out of ink to print the necessary paperwork.

so i rushed over to my ever-reliable parents to borrow (use) their ink.  and paper.  and printer.

thanks, parents!

in my haste (i'm always in a state of haste now days) i backed out of the driveway in a way that would definitely fail a driver's ed course....

and slammed into my parents garbage can that my mom had just put out.  (on accident, of course).

i put my car in park and jumped out to investigate the damage.

well, first of all there was grass clippings now spewed all over the road.

then i noticed a small scratch on my bumper.

crap.

my dad, after hearing the collision, came out exclaiming that he would pick up the garbage can that i was eagerly trying to put in an upright position. 

(i was failing miserably.  i can't even open jars.)

then i turned back around to find a hole puncture (hole puncture?) in my rear tail light.

double crap.

i can't decide if i cursed myself telling lincoln that this morning or if i'm actually psychic.

this was only the beginning of the terribly stupid things i did today.  you don't even know.

.........................................................................................

on another note...

i got home from being gone all day...

lincoln was at work all day too...

and went into the bathroom and our loofa (which is usually in the shower) was in the middle of our bathroom floor.

neither of our doing.

THEN, i noticed that the very full bathroom garbage can from this morning was now empty.

also neither of our doing.

does this confuse anyone else?

i'm super weirded out.

if someone were to come into our house, why would they:

a.  take our loofa out of the shower and put it in the middle of the floor

and

b.  empty our garbage can

????

hi-bye.

i don't have any time.
any free time, that is.



and it's weird because i thought i had no time when i taking 21 credits, working 30 hours a week, living 80 miles away from my fiance, and planning our wedding.


but now i really don't have time. 


did i mention internships are hard?

let me give you an idea of my week.

monday- work for 10 hours
tuesday- internship for 5 ish hours
wednesday- internship for 12.25 hours
thursday- work for 10 hours
friday- work for 10.5 hours
saturday- internship for 1 hour

and i also have a photography session on saturday.


i don't know about you, but i don't like working 50+ hours per week.

so this is a hi-bye post.  i've been gone since 9:20 this morning.  we just ate dinner at 10:15. 

that good husband of mine is learning to cook faster than me.  and he does the dishes.  all of them.
he's dah best!

handsome-pants.

anyway.

so tired.



lights out.

a first.

lincoln and i ventured into a very unknown world on sunday.

we actually cooked ourselves a meal.

i know, shocker!

you see, we just don't really have a lot of time (or energy) to cook right now.

plus, neither of us really know how to cook.

but i'll have you know, we will learn!

besides, we can't afford to eat out anymore.

so we cooked a meal.

and yes, it involved more than putting a frozen pizza in the oven.

our moms will be so proud!

ever tried grilled asparagus via george?

  way good.

lincoln did a great job straining the noodles.

look mom!  i even wore the apron you bought me.

for the first time. ahem.

i didn't take a picture of the final product because we were too excited to eat it.

we had:

new york strip steak

grilled asparagus

and pasta with alfredo

and it was delish!

and easy!

and a heck-of-a-lot cheaper than it would've cost us to eat that same dinner out on the town.

we are on our way to the chef world.

bon appetit!

any of you have recipes or ideas for newly-marrieds who don't know much about cooking?

once upon a time i felt like a psycho.

have you ever laid in bed at night
thinking about that tear
that is slowly escaping the corner of your eye
you focus on it
as it slowly makes its way across the bone of your nose
then it gains speed
as it glides over the peak
and rushes toward your cheek
than it slows down again
it makes its way across your face
and then dips down into your ear
filling all the twisty-curvy parts?


fascinating,
don't you think?


that's what i did last night.
traced the tracks of my tears.





i don't mean to be a debbie downer as of late.
i just don't know how to do this.
this--meaning life.
i'm having an emotional break down every week!

gosh! somebody slap me.
i feel like a psycho.


k,
here's my attitude change.

today is friday.



and everything
WILL BE OKAY.

one week at a time.
one week at a time.




have a great weekend!

2009 in review

as the new year approaches, i think a lot of us tend to use this time for reflection on the past 12 months of our lives.

the newspapers come out with articles on "best and worst of 2009" and television shows review the past year in the media.
even bloggers tend to write about it. and that is exactly what i'm going to do today.

it's kind of hard to believe that we are starting an entirely new decade. it's quite amazing to think of all the things that have happened in the last ten years and all the even more amazing things that will happen in the next ten.
but i won't get into a whole decade of "stuff." we were just focusing on 2009, right?



the kind of crappy stuff:
i'll be honest here.
2009 was, by far, the hardest year of my life. i think life has its way of doing this every year, no?
i reflect on where i was one year ago, and probably in no way would've thought i would be where i am today.
that's something i learn every year...
"life is like a box of chocolates... you never know what you're gonna get."
you might think that line from Forrest Gump is cliche, but you know it's true.

the first part of the year was really, really hard. i think i cleansed my tear ducts enough to last a life time. i was stretched. refined. challenged. and changed.
and in the midst of it all, this little blog took off... with me, the author, still wondering why.


the happy stuff:
i discovered the wonderful world of Macintosh computers. all in one single year i got the iPhone, MacBook, and iMac and never regretted my purchases. i try and convince everyone to turn away from the darkside and convert. seriously, the best computers. ever.

i also purchased a new car. although the process kind of sucked, i'm very happy with bruce. i've become very attached to him, and will admit that i tell him he's one dang good looking car quite frequently.


i visited Las Vegas for the first time ever and displayed this photo from that trip on my sidebar ever since. even with my face being consumed by my bangs, i really like this photo for some reason.


i also visited San Fransisco for the first time and fell in love with that charming city. i shall return!


on that same trip, i returned to Oceanside, CA {which i had fallen in love with the year previous} and learned how to surf. it was totally radtastic.


i fell even more in love with photography and slowly but surely worked on developing that talent.

i went to school for 3 straight semesters. my longest break was 3 measly weeks. but educated, i was.



as i think about all these things {and more} i realize how this was the year i fell in love with life, even though life kind of slapped me in the face for the first little bit.

i really love life. don't you?





and the thing i will always remember about 2009 is this was the year i met the love of my life.


in the most unexpected way our story began. as the calendar turns, the best part is that we are together {well, somewhat distantly for another semester. grrrr...}
i'm so madly in love with him, in case you didn't know.
in this last year my heart did a "wizbang flip flop" and i took one giant leap of faith.


in the process i found it completely terrifying, but knew, without a doubt, i finally found him. as we turn the corner of 2009 and come upon 2010 hand in hand, i'm so happy he's the one standing next to me.

he's become my best friend, the one i run to, and everything i've ever wanted and more.


along with everything else in our lives right, this little blog is becoming "ours." from now on, the majority of it will about our adventures together. hope you don't mind.

happy two-thousand and ten!

how we came about

once upon a time I lay in fetal position in a darkened quiet room--actually it wasn't quiet at all. i was crying. crying, sobbing, wailing, shaking... yes. all of it. i had reached the lowest of lows. the depths, i'm telling you. never before had i felt so completely broken. shattered. and alone.
and i honestly felt, in that moment, i would never recover. never feel whole again. i had been hurt. so. much. everyday was a struggle. it was hard. and exhausting. and all i wanted was to feel okay. i wanted nothing more in this world than for the hurt inside the pit of my chest to go away. if only i could find relief for one single second. i wanted to wake up in the morning without it hurting. but it always did.

time passed.

time is a good thing.

i can't say what really happened.
i prayed a lot.
i believed in myself.
and the future.
took one hard day at a time.
and tried to move on.

everyone told me that was what i was supposed to. and i kept doing it. one day at a time. even though i still didn't feel okay.

then one day. i finally felt healed. i felt better than okay. and i don't think it happened overnight. i just finally felt at peace. i wasn't worried about anything and finally felt completely content being me. remember?

july 12.

this happened to be the very first day lincoln and i met.
a friend of mine from high school had returned from a 2 year mission in Poland for our church.
lincoln also served in Poland with my friend.
and by the first day we met, i mean the first day lincoln met me.
you see, lincoln and i went to the same high school.
he was a year older than me and the quarterback. so naturally i knew who he was, and naturally he did not know me.
so let me rephrase...
ahem...it was july 12 and lincoln met me for the first time.
the healed me.
not much went through my head that day. maybe just a little of this,
'my, my, my he sure is handsome... and i think he might've been the quarterback. yep, can't really remember. and there is no chance in heck for me, but my, my, my, he looks dang good in that gray suit. and that smile... wow.'

we chatted a little at the homecoming. i attempted to speak Polish. we ate. i left.

and i went on with my life expecting nothing--so happy to finally feel better than okay.
and then our mutual friend called me one evening saying,
"hey! so you remember lincoln at my homecoming? he thinks you're pretty cute and wants your number. can i give it to him?"
i can't really remember how i reacted, but i think it consisted of a lot of giggling, blushing, and disbelief.

oh, and i said yes.

our first date would occur almost a month later on wednesday, august 19.
and it wasn't magically perfect or blissful in any way.
i remember dancing in my room before he came to black-eyed peas "gonna be a good night" to get myself pumped up and also calmed down so i wouldn't wet myself at the sight of him.
we got in the car and drove to get ice cream.
he was rambling on about something as we stopped at the light on the corner of 200 west and 5th south. i turned and stared at his face, his perfect smile, and the only thought i had was i knew i would be comfortable around him. at least for the night. and that was all that mattered.

it was all very strange how i felt.
but yet... incredibly comfortable.
it took me by surprise because i could feel he had depth to him, that he was humble, and so very kind.
completely refreshing.

after ice cream and a scary movie (during which, he grabbed my hand because he was scared)
he took me home.

on the drive he kept mentioning how "amazing" the stars were that night. i took the hint and invited him to star gaze in my backyard.
we didn't click instantly or have amazing conversations that first night.
but i felt comfortable while simultaneously feeling completely intimidated by him.

i'll never forget the moment he turned to me in random conversation and said,
"may i give you a kiss?"
i thought it was completely adorable and with a smile on my face i said, "mmm, yes."

{i also thought, "OH MY GOSH!!! I JUST KISSED LINCOLN TAYLOR!" hah.}





and this, my friends, is how we came about.

and obviously the story doesn't end here.





do you want to know something?

every single day
in some way i don't know
i fall more madly in love with him.

it never ends.
and it's completely exhilarating.

this is only the beginning.

**i know i probably sound completely sappy and ridiculous lately. but this is my blog. my journey. my life. my love story.
if it's too sappy for you, then don't read.

for now, this is what comes when i want to write. and i know i'll want to remember it.
so, this is why i'm writing this story.**

p.s. i've never been so completely happy in my life. i'm so excited to be mrs. taylor.

F is for Funk

sometimes i get in this weird funk.
it's like a volcano waiting to erupt, really.

i think lack of sleep was the culprit this week.
me being required to wake up before the sun rises just isn't realistic.
i hope my babies inherit the talent of sleeping in from me... who i am kidding, right?
i was even poked (poked!) by a kid behind me in class on tuesday because my head was bobbing.
sleep.
i really like my sleep.

anyway, back to my funk.
the day of the eruption i usually feel completely uninspired, void of thought, dormant, etc.
like yesterday for example.
i thought, i should write something for my blog. but nothing came. so i gave you a quote. that's all i had.
but i know inside my thoughtless funk, i have a billion emotions that need to be released.
hence, the eruption.
but in this funk, i can't pinpoint them all.
i don't even know where to begin!

so yesterday,
i was worrying a lot about the future.
ya know, that girl thing where we like to plan plan plan??
and make sure we are prepared?
and pack way more outfits than we need for a vacation, because you never know if you'll need it?
well, i kind of feel very unprepared for my future.
it's just kind of scary, this grown up stuff, ya know?
the unknown?
i know i just need to tell myself over and over that i'm going to make mistakes, i probably won't get things right the first time around, i have time, it'll be okay, etc...
but in that funk of mine, i tend to forget.

lincoln knew something was up.
intuitive little guy.
but i honestly didn't know what was wrong.
nothing was wrong at all, really.
i didn't know what to say.
i'm thankful he kept prying instead of giving up on me.
i could tell he was frustrated.
but prying, he did.
and then the eruption began.
things i didn't even know were bottled up in my little head and they started to pour out.
and he listened and calmed me and told me everything would be okay.
and not in an "i'm only saying everything will be okay because i don't know what else to say" kind of boy-way.
i really believed him.
he might not have believed me in my quiet tearful "okay" replies
but i did feel better.
after we got off the phone
i got in the shower and just had a good sob session. i let the water run over my face and mix with the tears.
sometimes it's just what you gotta do. okay, well maybe it's just what i have to do.
let's face it. i'm an emotional person. okay, i'm an extremely emotional person.
but letting the tears flow is the gateway to my freedom from the funk! hah!
oh, the funk.
i'm pretty much always on the verge of tears spilling out of my ducts.
the news, an obituary of someone i don't even know, anything nienie writes, extreme home makeover, biggest loser, happy things... pretty much anything will get me.

okay, maybe i should rename this blog "all about lincoln" but i have to say this...
i think one of the most amazing things about him is that
he is the calm to my storm.
an obvious contrast to the past

i feel safe and at a peace.
and can i just say, that is HUGE for me!
don't get tired of hearing it because every day i love that boy more and more.

today it was because he was patient enough to help me get out of my funk.





thanks, lincsta.

dearest fall,

image taza inspired and taken with shakeit app on dah iphone-ular

either i forgot how much i love you

or this is the first time i've really appreciated you.

as the leaves fall so delicately from their trees and the sun warms them that glorious smell fills my senses.

you know, that smell?

that smell brings back memories from my youth.

we would anxiously run around the neighbor and knock on all the doors asking if we could have their leaves.

the neighbors, of course, encouraged us to take them.

we would rake and gather and load up my father's wheelbarrow.

and run across the street trying not to let any of the leaves escape our load.

and pile, pile, pile

those leaves on top of the others.

our goal would be to beat our pile we made last year.

finally! our pile would meet our standards.

we would run and jump on our pile

and get leaves stuck in all sorts of places.

it was absolute heaven.

we thought life couldn't get any better.



i would argue that i probably had the best childhood ever.

sometimes i really miss the adventures,

the carefree days,

the make-believes,

the lack of responsibility.


i think i especially miss it now.

in the fall.

oh! how in love i am with fall.


and i also think this time of year makes me want to be a mom so much more.

the crafty, the cook, the organized
(all those mom things)

as much as i love school (and secretly hate it) right now

i know i want nothing more than to be first--a mom.

career second.

cheesy, maybe?

well, it's true.

it's what i've always wanted.

to run around with those little chick-lets

make giant leaf piles,

go on adventures,

enjoy the seasons,

laugh,



and just love them so much,
you don't even know.


fall, thanks for reminding me what i really want in life.

thanks for being so beautiful.

please stay a bit longer.



sincerely,

the someday mother

xoxo

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." -Oscar Wilde

Does it ever freak you out thinking about how many people exist, have existed, and will exist in this world? The billions and billions of people that you will never meet… The thousands that have lived in the same city with you your entire life who you stroll past at the grocery store… the amount of people that you have spent a few minutes next to at a stop light… Isn’t it just mind boggling that SO many people live in this world? And there you are… existing… in your own little world… in your own little family… in your own little circle of friends. And there everyone else is… existing… in their world.

Something I’ve noticed lately is that most of us (and myself) are scared to open our world and let it merge with others. The big question is “why?” I’m not talking about sharing your life story with complete strangers… just sharing those small moments… when you say hello in passing, or a small conversation while waiting in line at the check-out, or letting someone in your lane during rush hour. It’s funny that we restrict ourselves to our own world… funny that we think our world is the most important…

Out of all those billions and billions of people that exist, have existed, and will exist, we, surprisingly, all have one thing in common… we all came into this world exactly the same way—conceived with sperm and egg, born in different cities, but all born to this place called Mother Earth. And that’s when our stories begin--every one completely different. We make choices, our parents make choices… we find ways to survive—successful or not…

And another thing I believe we have in common is at one point or another, we decide we want to love and be loved. We want to connect with others… we want to say, “Look into my eyes and let’s share our worlds just for a moment.” Out of all the differences that exist in the world, love seems to be a commonality.

It seems as we get older we lose that desire to love others... maybe because of broken hearts, past experiences, hurt feelings... we end up restricting ourselves to our own world... restricting ourselves from love.

Lately, I’ve wondered why I restrict myself... why I avoid looking at people in the eye. Is it fear? Fear of what? I have absolutely nothing to lose. I have only connections to gain, something to learn, stories to see, and billions of people to meet and love!

When I was in San Francisco we were waiting at a street corner for the light to change. A tall African-American man was playing some insanely awesome percussion on a make-shift drum set consisting of garbage cans and plastic barrels. I joined the crowd surrounding him. A small child was in front of the crowd obviously amazed by the music. The man invited the child to come play with him. He handed the child an extra pair of drum sticks and they pounded away--the child so very excited. I then looked into the man's eyes. He had the biggest smile illuminating his face. Right then I thought, "Look how happy he is. He might not have anything else but this drum set and the clothes on his back, but he knows how to be happy." He might not have everything figured out in his world, but he has found one thing that most of the world spends a lifetime looking for.

We all have our differences, struggles, passions, dreams… I just wonder why we sometimes think our stories are the only ones that matter.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to restrict myself from hearing other’s stories. I’m going to look at people in the eye and smile.

Can we all do something?
Can we share happiness?
The world needs it.

I've decided I'm done just existing. I'm going to LIVE!!
Who's with me?




Did you get Ingrid's new album yet?

This song is very fitting.

Sunrise

This morning I woke up very early.

For work reasons.

(And I'll have you know my alarm went off once.
And then I got up.
No snoozes!!!

I'm particularly proud of that considering I have probably never accomplished that... EVER!

And it was 5:45 in the morning.
Huzzah!)

Anyway,
as I drove many miles
on this very day
I enjoyed a beautiful sunrise.


And I thought...
look at this amazing act of nature...
act of God...
every day the sun rises over those lovely Wasatch mountains saying "hello, new day."
a new day for learning,
a new day for healing,
a fresh start,
a new day for love...

I thought about how much I love sleeping in and how I'm totally NOT a morning person,
but today I was SO GRATEFUL to see God's creation in a different light.

I said a little prayer in my heart, "Thank you, Heavenly Father... for creating such a beautiful sunrise and a beautiful earth. And I love you."

(actual photo of the sunrise this morning)

happy with life.

I imagined my life quite differently than it is right now.

Here I am, just one and a half months shy of turning 22 years of age feeling more like a kid than I did when I was 12. I keep wondering when I will actually feel like an adult. In my teen years I observed others who were at my current age and thought about how incredibly "old" they were. Old. Smart. Married. Independent. Experienced. And then it was like, BAM! I reached that point in my life. And for some reason it feels a whole lot different than I thought it would. I wonder if they felt that same way, or for some reason I’m just incredibly weird and different from the entire population. The bottom line is that the older I get the more stupid I feel.

Stupid?...
Maybe nieve?
Uhhh... try this…
As a teen I thought I knew everything about the world and what it had to offer. Now I feel like I know NOTHING about the world. Somehow in the most information-saturated part of my life I feel completely oblivious to everything. I guess I thought I was supposed to have the world figured out by now.

Do you feel this way?

Through all my insecurities at the current moment, I think I’ve realized this is just the beginning.

-The point in time when you admit that your parents were right about almost everything they told you.

-When you learn that small things are the most important things.

-When a child can teach you more than your college professor.

-When you learn that life is so precious and fragile.

-When you realize there's so much to learn about truly living.

And is it strange to say I hope I feel like this for the rest of my life?

I hope my curiosity never ends. I hope I’m always asking and wondering how things work. I’ve reached a point in my life where I crave learning. Learning about life, people, feelings…

I hope I always feel like I have so much more to learn. I know that if I remain in this state of mind I will never forget to LIVE. There is so much to experience, taste, try, and succeed doing. I mean, I learned how to surf last week!! How cool is that??!

I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m perfectly content with where I am.
Single.
Going to school.
As much as I long to share my life with someone, I’m completely happy being me.
Just me.
Experiencing, learning, failing, laughing, loving, crying, trying…

Aw, the sweetness of how imperfect life is. I’m totally in love with it right now.

Clarity

I'm not even sure where to start with this post.
Because trying to explain the last two days is well... indescribable.

It's funny because nothing has really changed.
All of sudden, it all makes sense.
It's the strangest, but yet... most comfortable... feeling.
For the first time, I would say, in a year...

I'm not worried.

I'm not worried about the future... or anything!
I'm completely content.
And in the strangest way, I have no promises, prospects, or solid plans, and it all just feels

fine.

It's not in my hands anymore. I'm not in control.
And that feels absolutely---OK.
I feel like I can breathe and think and comprehend why the last 10 or so months happened the way they have.
I didn't learn anything I didn't already know this weekend...
For some reason, it all just makes sense now.

I feel like a weight has been lifted.
I feel good.
And I'm smiling.



Proximity is interesting.
I honestly believe there are some people who you totally connect with-- their spiritual being and yours.
You have moments when you know they totally "get" you.
You know it, and they know it.
And it's just... comfortable.
Good friends, family, lovers...
Proximity makes it all happen.
No matter what lies in the past between you, none of that really matters because you can feel that....

understanding.

For some reason, it all makes sense now.
And I don't think I was ready for it to make sense until now.