7.01.2009

*sigh*

It's funny how in just a few short hours I can acquire something to blog about.

One simple sentence can cause tears, frustration, questions, broken-ness...


(Ahem...) Let me begin.


The last six months have been

well,

very trying.


I'm extremely blessed, don't get me wrong... I've managed to keep all my limbs intact, family and friends alive and well, place to live, food to eat, income to provide... for reals. I'm SOOO blessed.

But I can honestly say that the last six months of my life have been the hardest-- emotionally-- of my life.

I'm really trying to be positive and hopeful through all of it, but I need to vent a little bit.

Basically, I don't understand any of it. I think that is the most frustrating part. I don't understand why I was lead in certain directions, why I worked so freaking hard for so long to make it work, and why I am the one left here...... alone.

And it's funny because I know I haven't felt that "forever" was a possibility with anyone yet, but I have loved.

A total of 3 men.

So why should I even care if I knew it wasn't the forever kind?

When I was younger I always thought I would meet someone, fall in love, and get married. I don't think I ever comprehended loving more than one guy. It didn't really seem possible. I'm not even sure why I thought that.

I've always been the type of person to say, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." But sometimes, like right now, I kind of wish I would have only loved one person. (that sentence was really hard to type.)

Because loving is so hard.

Do you want to know why?

I have this curse (blessing) on guys I date... The majority of them will find their bride-to-be shortly after our break up. The shortest of these... 3 weeks--Engaged... That's right, 3 1/2 weeks after our parting. And I think maybe I could handle this happening once in my life, but no... It's a very hot trend.

And quite honestly, it sucks.

A lot.

So I sit here on my bed, at two o'clock in the morning, with a mascara stained face wondering when it will happen for me.

I'm really trying to be patient and optimistic. Really really trying.
I believe my Heavenly Father will provide and he's watching out for me and he knows what best. That's all I have to hold onto. A little clarity would be nice, but it'll come.



My heart just longs to be complete,
to be with someone who thinks I'm cool,

to be loved forever...

Ya know?

16 comments:

Lindsay Kay said...

Oh dear, who's engaged now? You're a patient girl Jalene and you have the right attitude about all of this. Heavenly Father is aware of you. Plus, you have plenty of time to find the right guy for you, you're only 21! :) You may not be an 18 year-old teeny bopper anymore, but you're not an old maid either. Love you! See you tomorrow!

Mandy said...

Moving on from someone you love is so difficult, especially when they move on first.

It sounds like you are relying on Heavenly Father though, which is exactly what you need to do.

Whitney said...

I just love you! It's all going to work out somehow...I just know it. I'll do whatever I can to help you. I need to come up and see you so you can show me what your life is like up there. Let's make a plan okay? Loves!!!!

7upkels said...

i always love coming here, because in some miraculous way, you write words down that i've never been able to exactly quite write myself.
i, myself, haven't had any ex-lovers who have gotten engaged yet - but i think in almost all situations they have moved on before i have entirely, so i feel your pain. just remember to rely on heavenly father, he closes and opens door to keep you on the path he has in mind for you :) and one day, it may all make a lot of sense :)

Adele said...

hello, love! (: thanks for following. I hope the hurt goes away soon. I've been in pain over relationships too many times..but if there's one thing I know..is that His plans are ALWAYS ALWAYS bigger and MORE grand than we can ever ever imagine! never settle for second best (: Much love. xx

heisschic said...

yup. i know.

it sucks.

OceanDreams said...

Oh no! You don't deserve that at all. I have had my heart broken as well - my ex took off with a mutual friend after we were together for 5 years. So I know the sting of betrayal and the horrible anger that comes with it. But...there is hope. It is okay that you are feeling this way. It is okay that you are emotional.

Take one day at a time...
Spend time with people who build you up...
Trust in God daily and pray consistently...
Love yourself...
You will find a love who will love you in return...
Hope you feel better soon love! XOXO

krista said...

it will work out...i promise...

Brittany said...

I think you write what a lot of people really want to say...but just much more beautifully. I totally know how you feel. The mascara-stained cheeks and everything. Love is a killer sometimes. But I really think when I find the forever kind, it will be so so beautiful.

And don't worry. Heavenly Father doesn't forget us, he doesn't. I'm conviced of it. Thanks for writing.

Katie said...

I found your blog once through Katie W.'s, and now I come back often because I really appreciate your photography and writing style! This post was heartbreaking! I hope you can find love and happiness that will make all this heartbreak worth it!

Kimberly Julie said...

I am no follower of god, but this is what I firmly believe:

When you're open to love, it'll find you. I am talking truly willing to open up your heart, which it completely sounds like you are. It may come from someone slightly unexpected, but it'll come and it will knock you down so hard that you can't help but forget every other love you've had before because this one will be so much more than anything you've ever felt.

I promise that you'll find him... but until then, make every day wonderful so that when you do, you can confidently say "I am done with my single days. I had my fun, but this is so much more." :)

Laura said...

:( Life is weird. People are weird. Thing happen and sometimes they suck. Love is hard. I hope you continue seeking after love and loves. Make the most of your time.
I have love and I know I'm very blessed but my life is not how I imagined it would be but you can't pit the value of love against those other things. I don't really know what I'm trying to say anymore.
I just visited your blog from Team Boo's but so far I know you're beautiful and you have a loving heart.
Things will work out for you. Keep your chin up.

Sara said...

I haven't been on a proper date in well over a year, and it was a blind date with a guy who didn't even speak English.

I know where you're coming from, my dear. Even the Chinese guy and I couldn't quite hit it off!

Megan Stefany said...

Dear Jalene,
Let's do dinner sometime.
Sincerely,
Megan

Steph Romney said...

reading this makes me feel so hopeful! you're married now, so it does happen:) i love your blog. you are such a wonderful woman.

Steph Romney said...

reading this makes me feel so hopeful! you're married now, so it does happen:) i love your blog. you are such a wonderful woman.