It's hard to believe I've let so much time go by without writing down my thoughts about pregnancy.
At times it feels like I've been pregnant forever, and other times it's gone by so fast that I wonder what I've been doing all this time NOT getting ready for him to come. Nope, I don't have a nursery ready yet. He doesn't have more than a few outfits to his name, and I'm almost 31 weeks pregnant. (What have I been doing?!)
I was so focused on our house being built and moving, that I really didn't have much time to think about him coming. Plus, May felt so far away and I didn't really feel the urge to "nest" quite yet. I wondered if something was wrong with me since all these other moms who were due in May had nurseries set up and ready, carseats installed, etc. Along side that, running a business is so time consuming. I still haven't quite felt the need to "nest," but I do feel a sense of urgency with only single digit weeks left before he arrives. (Yikes!) It's suddenly mid-March and May is just around the corner. (YIKES AGAIN!)
I have really enjoyed being pregnant. Even though pregnancy comes with A LOT of changes, aches and pains, and things you frankly don't expect, I've had a REALLY great pregnancy. Everything has been perfect and right on track... tests, measuring, weight gain... all of it. And that makes me really grateful. I have constantly worried this whole pregnancy about him being okay, even though I have no reason to worry. I hope I have done much better the last few months since I can actually see and feel him move. The first 19-20 weeks were rough for me... I had anxiety, panic attacks, and worries every day. It didn't feel real for me yet until I started showing (around 22 weeks) and feeling him move.
Ask any woman who has been pregnant, and they will tell you those kicks and punches and movements are about the most glorious thing in the world. At times it still totally weirds me out imaging a little person wiggling inside me, but I feel such an amazing privilege to experience it. I don't know how anyone could ever doubt there is a God after feeling another human grow inside you. Thinking about how he started out as the size of a poppyseed and somehow develops into this whole little person, is an absolute mind blowing concept. And not only that, he was fully formed at about 15 weeks! He had all the right organs and everything in place and actually looked like a little baby. Since then he has been packing on the pounds and growing! And all I do is go about my normal life. And my body just does it! How could there not be a supreme being orchestrating all of this. To add to all of that, he has a unique special spirit with his own personality and looks. How can that not be divine?
As my belly grows and expands, I have learned to love and appreciate my body more than I ever have in my life. It's capable of something so miraculous. And I hope this doesn't sound conceded, but I feel... so beautiful. I know my body will never be the same as it was before. I may have "scars" of pregnancy, but I'm still so grateful for how capable my body is. It's growing and nurturing an entirely perfect, fully developed human! I can't help but love and appreciate my body.
I'm so grateful for a supportive, excited husband. He is going to be the most wonderful father to our littles. But I know this experience has been different for him. And that has made me think a lot about my role as a woman. I can feel Heavenly Father's trust and love for me and each of his daughters. We have such a special calling on this earth. Every time this little baby goes on a kicking spree in my tummy, I ask Lincoln is he wants to feel him move. I know for him it is really amazing to experience, but it's so different than my experience. The first kick probably feels a lot like the 500th kick to Lincoln. After a minute or two, Lincoln goes back to what he was doing before. But for me, I could sit all day and watch him kick and move. The movements never become less miraculous to me. It absolutely fascinates me every time. It truly is astounding! Now I'm seeing whole tiny feet move across my belly. It totally blows my mind! I am that crazy person who asks other people if they want to put their hand on my belly to feel him move. It's so amazing to me that I want other people to experience it too!
As his birth approaches, I feel a lot of emotions. I am honestly quite nervous and scared to be a mother. I've never felt "baby hungry" like other women do. And I haven't felt that connection some women say they have with their baby when pregnant. I am nervous about balancing it all--running a business and being a mom and wife... Nervous I won't know how to take care of a newborn. It's all really overwhelming. I often wish he could stay in me much longer. He is so easy and fun to take care of now. Haha! I know it will be much harder when he comes out.
I know that Heavenly Father will expand my capacity to be a mother. I felt incapable for a long time about even being pregnant, but He helped me and my body make that possible. I feel incapable about being a mother and loving this baby, but I know He has the ability to help us all expand and truly fulfill our callings on this earth. And it often surprises us just how capable we are.
It has been an honor for me to photograph birth stories. It's an amazing thing to witness a mother meeting her baby for the first time. It is almost too hard describe how beautiful that moment is. It is sacred and truly magnificent. I'm finally getting excited about that moment for me. Labor and delivery is daunting, but I've become less nervous for that part. Lately I've been wondering what he will look like, how big he will be, if he will have similar personality traits as Lincoln... I'm excited to meet him!
Well, that's all my thoughts for today... 9 (or so) weeks until we meet this little guy!