7.31.2013

"Even miracles take a little time."


I was pregnant for a week.









Technically two weeks if you count before we found out.


No one ever tells you how much happiness two pink lines can bring you. You hear a lot of other couples describe fear, anxiety, and "oh, crap!"

But for couples who have only seen one pink line for the last 14 months in a row? Pure, tear-filled, laughing, hugging, jumping up and down happiness. Infertility is a beast, I tell ya.

I'll never forget the look on Lincoln's face... after we patiently watched the test on the bathroom counter and I finally saw another pink line appear on that pee stick...

"There's another line! THERE'S ANOTHER LINE! THERE'S FINALLY ANOTHER LINE!!!"

We wrapped our arms around each other and started to sob. And laugh. And shake from the adrenaline.

Then we knelt down together in prayer and thanked our Heavenly Father for giving us this gift. And we asked that we would have a healthy and happy pregnancy and baby.

Since Preston was leaving on his mission to Italy in a few days, we decided to tell our closest family and friends. Not that we could've kept it secret for long, since they all knew we had done our first round of artificial insemination two weeks earlier.

We gathered everyone around the breakfast table. We had learned how to stay "I am pregnant" in Italian and planned to have Preston try and figure it out.

So with nerves and butterflies in our stomachs we finally piped up and said, "Hey Preston! We learned how to say a new phrase in Italian and want to see if you can figure it out... Io sono incinta."

He knew "Io sono" meant "I am," but didn't know what "incinta" meant. So they all looked at us waiting for us to tell them. We told him they had to look it up.

While Preston was looking it up, the questions started pouring in and we had to fabricate some story about where we heard this phrase (TV show). Preston finally finds it and with a puzzled look says, "I am pregnant?"

I started to smile and nod my head. He said it a second time, "I am pregnant." I continued to nod my head and smile. Then Lincoln's mom said, "Who says that on that TV show?" Ha! They obviously didn't get it.

Lincoln said, "No! Jalene is saying it!"

...

Lots of hugs and congratulations continued to follow that day and the days after. I had my first blood work done and it came back with a "great" status from my doctor.

The thought of twins was always on our mind since we knew I had two mature eggs release that month, but we wouldn't find out until 6.5 weeks how many we might be carrying. Oh, the waiting!

Our due date was calculated, the calendar marked when the first trimester would be over to maybe indicate the end of morning sickness (although, I had none so far), and our baby's first outfit was purchased.

Then Thursday rolled around... I went in for my second beta test to see if my HCG levels had doubled.
I wouldn't know the results until Friday morning.

Thursday afternoon I went home and took a nap. You know all expectant mothers need their rest, right? I woke up realizing I had the most peculiar dream. I text Lincoln at work and said, "I just had a dream that my HCG test came back at 51." My first test was 46, so 51 was a bad number. It meant that the pregnancy wasn't progressing. I thought it was strange I would dream this since I didn't feel worried... beyond normal first-trimester worries.

The next morning as soon as I woke up, my dream was a reality. My levels only came in at a 55. My heart sank and I began to sob. Lincoln comforted me. He was still hopeful that everything would be okay. After all, the number didn't drop, so that was a good thing.

My doctor called me a few hours later and discussed the results. She explained that it didn't look promising, but it may have been early. And cautioned me with a chance of an ectopic pregnancy. Then she told me how we would have to do some more waiting... my most favorite activity of the past 14 months. I would get another blood test on Monday to see what my levels would come back then.

Friday was hard. I cried a lot. My spirit was shattered. Lincoln's too.

Saturday I woke up with a new perspective. I kept having the thought that "everything would be okay." I didn't know what that meant. But I felt at peace knowing it was in the Lord's hand. We went to the temple and had a really sweet, comforting experience there. We came away knowing that miracles can happen and not everything doctors say is absolute. Our faith was renewed and we had hope in our hearts. Pregnancy symptoms were getting stronger so I had hope something good was happening.

Sunday was met with more peace and assurance. But by Sunday evening, we could feel the weight of the burden we carried the last few days. We were exhausted and ready for a miracle.

Monday... One week after we finally saw two pink lines. I was back in the doctor's office giving another blood sample, with promise of results by the afternoon. The hours slowly moved by, but the second I answered the phone and heard the nurse's tone on the other end, I knew it wasn't good.

My levels had dropped to 37. The pregnancy was definitely not progressing. In fact, I was told I was miscarrying.


I am sad we never even had an ultrasound. Or heard a heartbeat.
I am sad we never got to tell this baby how excited we were when we finally got a positive pregnancy test. There will never be another first positive pregnancy test again. And I'm sad I never got to meet that baby that brought us so much happiness and excitement.
I am sad for Lincoln. It hurts to see his heart broken. He wants to have a baby so bad and I wish I could give that to him.
I am sad I will now worry more about miscarrying in future pregnancies.
I am sad all of this is such a long process.
I am sad we have to wait longer for a baby.



The hardest part is being back at square one. It is comforting to know we were able to conceive, but not knowing if it will take another 14 months in daunting. I was trying to be naive thinking we wouldn't ever have to deal with a miscarriage. Our trial was infertility... and we conquered it.

I'm not sure why we are being stretched and tried... I am not sure what were supposed to be learning. Maybe patience? I've learned a lot of that in the last year. But I do know we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows what is best for us and he blesses us daily. I know He has a plan for me and Lincoln and we trust Him. I know miracles are in store for us. And I know someday we will have a baby.

I hope in the future when I'm 9 months pregnant and uncomfortable and swollen and my ligaments are sore and I've had every pregnancy symptom in the book, that I remember to never take being pregnant for granted. Even though it's not always lovely and fun, it is a beautiful gift that I would trade any pregnant woman right now. I will gladly take the morning sickness, the constant need to pee, the weight gain... ALL of it, if it meant I could have a baby. And when my kids are running around the house and not sleeping at night and I'm tired and my house is a disaster, I hope I remember how hard it was to get them here and how nothing else really matters. I hope I remember how lucky I am to be their mom, because I know how it feels to be a woman who isn't a mom but wants to be one.




...



It couldn't have been more perfect for this to show up in my Pinterest feed this week:



Below the caption read: "No matter how your heart is grieving... if you keep on believing... the dream that you wish will come true."

I always knew Cinderella was my favorite Disney Movie for a reason.








18 comments:

Stephanie said...

Jalene-
I just want to tell you that my heart hurts for you and Lincoln. I know every situation is different, but I want to tell you that I feel some of what you felt. It took three and a half years for me to get pregnant again. Your words and faith are so amazing. Heavenly Father really for a know us. He knows our strengths and weaknesses. he knows how much we can handle. I know He will bless and guide you. Don't ever give up hope. And thank you for being brave and sharing. I will keep you guys in my prayers.
Stephanie O.

Melissa said...

I'm so so so sorry to read this, Jalene, and wish the you absolute best. Some things take time, but I've seen countless cases of struggling and then finally receiving good news and a healthy pregnancy, so keep your head up! <3

-Melissa

Stephanie said...

Jalene-
I just want to tell you that my heart hurts for you and Lincoln. I know every situation is different, but I want to tell you that I feel some of what you felt. It took three and a half years for me to get pregnant again. Your words and faith are so amazing. Heavenly Father really for a know us. He knows our strengths and weaknesses. he knows how much we can handle. I know He will bless and guide you. Don't ever give up hope. And thank you for being brave and sharing. I will keep you guys in my prayers.
Stephanie O.

Melissa said...

I'm so so so sorry to read this, Jalene. I've seen countless friends and family go through this, but it has always worked out in the end. Keep your head up, and "keep trying" ;-)

eryka {from abcde} said...

That's a perfect quote. Keep your head up and I pray for you guys!!

Xo
E

Megan Lemon said...

Thinking of you and Lincoln. You are in my prayers and I think you are so amazing. I know the Lord is aware and He does work miracles. We are excited to live by you guys and would love to have you over when our house is done :)

Chris & Janalee said...

Praying and thinking of you both.

Emma Karen said...

This is heart breaking, but also inspiring to hear of your faith through such a hard trials. Thank you for sharing.

kylee said...

i don't usually comment on posts like this, i'm in a different stage in life so it's hard for me to relate to these kind of things. but jalene, i just want you to know that i think you are so brave for writing about this and i think you are so amazing. your faith in god and his plan is unbelievable and i know you will be blessed for it.

Jessica Pace said...

Jalene-

Thanks so much for sharing. I am so sorry that you are going through this, I know how hard it is. That song from Cinderella is very special to me. When we were going through our first struggle with infertility, (though we have our one little miracle, it will be a miracle to get any more) I walked into a Deseret Book to hear a violin rendition of it by Jenny Oaks Baker, and it really lifted my spirits. I felt like it was a perfectly timed message from my Heavenly Father. I even named by baby board on Pinterest "Hold on to your dream." Someday, your rainbow will come shining through.

Best of luck, and know that you're not alone.

Kate said...

I'm so sorry Jalene, I hope you are both ok. I didn't have to go through AI, but it did take 5 pregnancies to get my one baby girl.
You will get those two lines again, and although they will never quite be the same, they still still make your heart beat faster.
Keeping you in my thoughts and keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Kate xxx

Alina Smith said...

So sad learning about your loss. It is never easy losing someone you love and painful beyond belief. *big Internet hug*

andrea said...

I have never gone from being so happy for someone to being almost in tears in the same few minutes. (I realized after the fact that I apparently missed the first two sentences of your post.) I am so sorry for your loss and can't imagine how heartbroken both of you are. I love your last paragraph about wanting to always remember what a blessing being pregnant is and how the journey has been to get your future kids here to earth. That is beautiful and so sweet. I know that you and I have never met, but I have followed you for a few years on your blog and feel like I've known you all this time. I have prayed for you and Lincoln with this trial. I have always thought you are so classy and a genuinely good person. I am going to continue keeping my fingers crossed for you, and sending more prayers and good vibes your way.

katrina said...

i'm sorry jalene. God knows what he is doing even if we have no clue. he is there and he loves you so much. of course you know that, but sometimes it's good to hear that other people know it too. keep your chin up. you guys will be blessed because of your faith. i just know it.

Emily Beth said...

you don't know me, but i think you are a beautiful, talented, inspiring woman and i know you will make an amazing mother one day. i look forward to the post saying your expecting your first (& second, third, fourth, etc!) hang in there, jalene. the best is yet to come.

Christine-Chioma said...

Wow sorry. That is really hard and painful. I admire your faith and courage. Thanks for sharing your story. Please do keep us updated (as much as you can).

Kate said...

Was thinking about you today for no obvious reason at all.

Hope you're ok.

Kate x

Mae said...

I came across this totally by accident , but I want you to know that I have been here! It took ten months before we found out we were pregnant the first time, and we lost that baby. Then another five years and one month until we finally saw two lines. My entire pregnancy I was petrified of another loss, but everything was perfect. Then, when our daughter was a year old, we started trying again. Trying again was so hard, because who knew how long it would take? But we tried to put our trust in God and His plan. Then , four months into trying, we saw those two pink likens again, and then, I could pretty much copy and paste your post into my story. I had nine days of knowing I was pregnant, and four of them were waiting after the phone call for the baby to be born. We started trying again last month, and today my sister called me to announce her pregnancy. My sister who has been married literally two weeks, is six weeks pregnant. I have a daughter, and I love her and am thankful every second, but infertility and miscarriage are both a beast. I wish that we only had to face one at the most. Your family is in my prayers, and it hope you'll pray for us too.