This has been a hard post to publish.
But I suppose if I start talking about this to the universe, some healing or miracles will occur.
We are struggling with infertility.
And everything that comes with that word is much deeper and more painful than anyone knows who has never struggled with infertility.
I have told myself over and over that sometimes it takes a long time... and that's okay... and it will happen... and I haven't really let it get to me. But today I cried. I cried while eating my Lucky Charms at breakfast. This kind of disappointment every single month is confusing. You tell yourself to expect the worse so you aren't disappointed again, but you can't help feel the sting of a negative pregnancy test cut deeper and deeper in your broken heart.
Your life completely changes when infertility is on your mind every day...
Patting yourself on the back because you're starting prenatals before you're pregnant. Then realizing you've gone through an entire bottle before you're pregnant... then two bottles, then three... Then you think you should just give up taking them, but worry about not taking them because you could be pregnant.
Feeling silly worrying about twins after being told by the doctor you don't have any (none, zilch) follicles ready to mature into eggs... There you were worrying about two babies and now you don't even have a chance at one.
You start wondering if you should start adding ovulation and pregnancy tests into the monthly budget since you've had to purchase them again and again.
Start questioning the accuracy of the absence of that other pink line. Then actually thinking you might see the tiniest resemblance of a line... moving it back and forth and in different light for ten minutes... then finally admitting there is nothing there. Then thinking you're crazy because you're imagining lines.
Wondering if you shouldn't buy a new piece of clothing because you won't fit into it when you're pregnant.
Realizing you should probably pull out that preparing for pregnancy book again because it's been a year since you last read it.
Feeling bitter towards those already expectant moms who complain on Facebook about morning sickness, heartburn, swollen feet, etc.
Passing the due date you would've had if you got pregnant the first month of trying.
Knowing others who have gotten pregnant and had their baby after you started trying. And you wonder how many pregnant women you know now will have their babies before you ever get pregnant.
Wondering how in the heck any teenager accidentally gets pregnant.
Feeling like taking birth control for two years was a waste of time and money, because after actively trying you still can't get pregnant. What good was that doing?
Unemphatic doctors who tell you just to "be patient." Feeling like something is wrong, but having doctors who won't do anything about it.
Receiving "abnormal" tests results that make you feel all hope is lost and getting no explanation of what they mean.
Thinking how fun it would be if you had a baby the same time as this friend/sister and realizing it is a lot harder to time those things.
Watching dates/holidays race by when you thought you could be telling family you are expecting in a creative way.
Feeling the strain infertility has on a marriage. And feeling the pain of seeing disappointment again and again on your spouse's face.
Worrying the name you have picked out will be too trendy and then realizing those kids with your same name are now one/two years old.
Accidentally peeing on your hand... again.
Getting really good at peeing in a cup/on a stick.
Questioning every cramp, spout of nausea, sore throat, sore boob, fatigue...thinking this could "the month."
Realizing you will now be (insert age) if you get pregnant now... and that number just keeps climbing.
Worrying that you might be "one of those couples" who can never have kids. That the possibility of becoming pregnant is no longer a "when" but an "if." Something you've always talked/thought about growing up always being a "when" and now has the chance of never happening.
Laughing out loud at yourself for naively thinking you would be "one of those couples" who gets pregnant the first month.
Not thinking people's fake pregnancy announcements on April Fools are even remotely funny.
Having apps and calendars specifically concerning your cycle.
Joining forums to find some sort of relief or answers... Getting obsessed with the forums... Realizing it's too much for your sanity... Leaving forums.
Not knowing how honest to be when at a friend/family gathering and someone asks, "So when are you two going to have a baby?"
Thinking every time you eat a Caesar Salad, that it might be your last.
Realizing you're the statistic out of your group of friends.
I suppose some day that all of this will seem but a short moment in our lives, but right now it's long, hard and frankly, it sucks. It's painful and depressing and disappointing.
I'm ready for it to be over.