4.23.2013

heart aches.

This has been a hard post to publish.

But I suppose if I start talking about this to the universe, some healing or miracles will occur.


We are struggling with infertility.


And everything that comes with that word is much deeper and more painful than anyone knows who has never struggled with infertility.

I have told myself over and over that sometimes it takes a long time... and that's okay... and it will happen... and I haven't really let it get to me. But today I cried. I cried while eating my Lucky Charms at breakfast. This kind of disappointment every single month is confusing. You tell yourself to expect the worse so you aren't disappointed again, but you can't help feel the sting of a negative pregnancy test cut deeper and deeper in your broken heart.

Your life completely changes when infertility is on your mind every day...



It means:

Patting yourself on the back because you're starting prenatals before you're pregnant. Then realizing you've gone through an entire bottle before you're pregnant... then two bottles, then three... Then you think you should just give up taking them, but worry about not taking them because you could be pregnant.

Feeling silly worrying about twins after being told by the doctor you don't have any (none, zilch) follicles ready to mature into eggs... There you were worrying about two babies and now you don't even have a chance at one.

You start wondering if you should start adding ovulation and pregnancy tests into the monthly budget since you've had to purchase them again and again.

Start questioning the accuracy of the absence of that other pink line. Then actually thinking you might see the tiniest resemblance of a line... moving it back and forth and in different light for ten minutes... then finally admitting there is nothing there. Then thinking you're crazy because you're imagining lines.

Wondering if you shouldn't buy a new piece of clothing because you won't fit into it when you're pregnant.

Realizing you should probably pull out that preparing for pregnancy book again because it's been a year since you last read it.

Feeling bitter towards those already expectant moms who complain on Facebook about morning sickness, heartburn, swollen feet, etc.

Passing the due date you would've had if you got pregnant the first month of trying.

Knowing others who have gotten pregnant and had their baby after you started trying. And you wonder how many pregnant women you know now will have their babies before you ever get pregnant.

Wondering how in the heck any teenager accidentally gets pregnant.

Feeling like taking birth control for two years was a waste of time and money, because after actively trying you still can't get pregnant. What good was that doing?

Unemphatic doctors who tell you just to "be patient." Feeling like something is wrong, but having doctors who won't do anything about it.

Receiving "abnormal" tests results that make you feel all hope is lost and getting no explanation of what they mean.

Thinking how fun it would be if you had a baby the same time as this friend/sister and realizing it is a lot harder to time those things.

Watching dates/holidays race by when you thought you could be telling family you are expecting in a creative way.

Feeling the strain infertility has on a marriage. And feeling the pain of seeing disappointment again and again on your spouse's face.

Worrying the name you have picked out will be too trendy and then realizing those kids with your same name are now one/two years old.

Accidentally peeing on your hand... again.
Getting really good at peeing in a cup/on a stick.

Questioning every cramp, spout of nausea, sore throat, sore boob, fatigue...thinking this could "the month."

Realizing you will now be (insert age) if you get pregnant now... and that number just keeps climbing.

Worrying that you might be "one of those couples" who can never have kids. That the possibility of becoming pregnant is no longer a "when" but an "if." Something you've always talked/thought about growing up always being a "when" and now has the chance of never happening.

Laughing out loud at yourself for naively thinking you would be "one of those couples" who gets pregnant the first month.

Not thinking people's fake pregnancy announcements on April Fools are even remotely funny.

Having apps and calendars specifically concerning your cycle.

Joining forums to find some sort of relief or answers... Getting obsessed with the forums... Realizing it's too much for your sanity... Leaving forums.

Not knowing how honest to be when at a friend/family gathering and someone asks, "So when are you two going to have a baby?"

Thinking every time you eat a Caesar Salad, that it might be your last.

Realizing you're the statistic out of your group of friends.


...........................................................................................................................


I suppose some day that all of this will seem but a short moment in our lives, but right now it's long, hard and frankly, it sucks. It's painful and depressing and disappointing.


I'm ready for it to be over.












46 comments:

Haley Brink said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Love you.

Jessica said...

I commend you for writing this post. I could relate to every single line you wrote. I don't know if you follow my blog, but I also write about my infertility. My husband and I have been struggling with it for the last year. I've had a few miscarriages along the way as well and I'm starting to lose hope. Honestly, I don't know what to say to make you feel better, because nothing anyone says to me makes me feel better. The only way I can get through everyday is by distracting myself with other things. I don't know how religious you are, but praying helps me a lot too. I hope you are ok and that things will eventually work out for you guys. All we can do is have faith & hope.

Tiffany Bolton said...

Thank you for sharing this. I am in the same boat with you and 8 other fantastic ladies. All wondering why, going all natural everything, spending more than a car payment on acupuncture, avoiding plastic, obsessing over charts. I don't have any advice, I just want you to know you are not alone.

heisschic said...

sending you an awkward internet hug...


((made ironic as i first misspelled "awkward."))

Kendra Mills said...

Jalene, I don't know if you remember me, but I love reading your blog. And when I read this one, my jaw just kept dropping at how I could relate to all of your points! I haven't talked to many people about it, but I am really grateful you blogged about this, because it helped me not feel so alone/crazy. It stinks.

Thank you.

Amelia Brame said...

I'm so sorry. I don't even think we've ever met, but I served with Lincoln in Poland and I love reading your blog.
My husband and I have struggled with infertility the past 3.5 years- and yes it sucks. It's the pits. My heart aches for you guys. I know that people always say "When the time is right it will happen..." and maybe that is true, but in the meantime- it doesn't make it any easier.
The best thing I ever did was open up to the world about my infertility. Find other women who are struggling and confide in them. It's always nice to vent to people who can empathize. Seriously, we all go to lunch together on occasion and joke about our "Infertility Club".
You guys will be in my prayers!

Hannah Joy said...

Jalene, this is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry your heart aches. I just know that the Lord is aware of you. He has His reasons. Love you!

Claire Andra White said...

My heart goes out to you and your bravery. I have a hard time talking about it myself, ya know the whole "If I pretend it's not an issue, maybe it will stop being an issue." but we need to stick together. We need to build each other and support each other, especially when we don't just have sympathy but empathy. I empathize with you.

-claire

Janessa said...

Jalene,

I am so grateful you posted about this. I found your blog through my friend Catherine and although we've never met, I've loved the person you are for the longest time. I am sorry you are going through a trial and I wish you the best. I will certainly send good vibes to you and Lincoln :)

Amberly said...

I LOVED this entire post Jalene! I think when I was younger, I didn't realize that SO many people have problems getting pregnant and now that I'm hearing stories from friends, family members, friends of friends, my blogging buddies, etc. in the midst of what I feel like is a world where everyone and their dog is pregnant, I am so sad for people who are struggling like you! And I think it's great for me to have this reminder because I am a planner and I have timelines in my head of when I want to try to get pregnant, when we'll tell people, when I'll have the baby, how it will fit into life plans, etc. And then I read posts like yours and I remember that I need to be realistic because I could very well be "the statistic" like you say, and that scares me, but it's good to know that there are other people out there who would know how I felt if that were the case AND it has made me realize that when I do end up pregnant, and especially if I'm one who gets pregnant the second I start trying, I need to be grateful for that and not take it for granted. My coworker (who is reading this post and might be writing a comment as well) struggles with infertility and she tells me all the time how frustrating it is to read complaining posts from women who are pregnant and think, "I'll trade you, I'd love to be in your shoes."

So thanks for your insight! It inspires me, even though I'm not trying for children right now. (Because we all know how verbal my husband is about his feelings on babies :P)

Kristin Schouten said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. I myself know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I have been struggling with infertility for three years. It is such a hard thing to do deal with. I have irregular periods so every month that I don't have one I think oh this could be it and I start coming up with feelings in body that could be signs of being pregnant only to take a test and have it be negative. It is such a sad lonely thing to go through. I wrote a post on this as well and it was not easy to write so I am thankful for your post. Know that you are not the only one and you may find a lot of bloggers out there that are going through the same thing. It is very easy to get discouraged when every blogger you read about is announcing they pregnant just know that there are others out there going through the same thing as you and they can help you. You are more than welcome to email me at any time and vent because I know exactly what you are going through. Hang in there, I won't sugar coat it and tell you it gets easier because it doesn't but find something to help you get through the hard days. (Mine is chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream! ;))

Love,

Kristin Schouten
byouloveyou.blogspot.com

Sara said...

Oh Jalene. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this. I love you.

Melissa Smith said...

I just want to give you a big hug through the internet. I have been wanting to post about this too but didn't want to admit I was in 'that' group that couldn't bear children. And I cry more than I would like to admit when it comes to not being pregnant. the thing that made it a bit easier for me was to stop tracking my cycles and to stop reading forums and to just come to accept that in the Lord's time it would happen. That is one thing that I heard in many MANY blessings was that this was a trial to help me learn that my life is on the lord's time and not my own. And now that I look back I am grateful we didn't get pregnant a year ago because we wouldn't have been able to cope now (or it would have been incredibly difficult). When life gets to hard to stand, kneel. I can't tell you how bitter I became for months and months on end about how we weren't getting pregnant and you know that really made my experience harder because it made me push myself away from my heavenly father. It will become easier. Trust me. A couple months ago I was able to finally just let go and submit to his will. And it's been the easiest three months of trying of our 15 month trying time. I know the weight you are carrying and look for compassion in the nurse's not the doctor's. It wasn't until I had a nurse cry with me over the phone that I felt like the medical field was finally understood my frustrations.

Kelsie said...

I was just telling someone earlier today how nice it is to read something, hear something, etc and know you're not alone... and although I haven't gone through what you have, I admire your honesty and courage in sharing your heartache, because I know there will be someone who will read this, having gone through something similar, and feel that they aren't alone either. I have a friend who is going through the same thing, and want to send her your post. I am so sorry for your pain and heartache Jalene. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Anna said...

I can't even imagine the pain and sadness that this brings you. But I hope you remember that you are still an incredible, beautiful person. You are not defined by this and it's not a part of your identity. It's simply a circumstance.

I think you're fantastic, Jalene. Please don't forget it.

carla thorup said...

oh sweetheart. don't let this break your wonderfully big heart for good, but maybe just for now is ok. sending up special prayers for your and linc tonight.

Lindsey Orton said...

Jalene, I'm so sorry to hear about this! I will be praying for you. Love you!

emily said...

sorry to hear about your struggles. just put faith in the Lord, as it will happen when it's a part of his plan for you. that's what i'm doing with finding my mr, so you've got a step up on me. you're still a young thing! :)

emily said...

also, i forgot to share in my first post, my oldest sister is 38 and her husband 45. they have no children. it just never happened and they accepted that it just wasn't in God's plan for them. i got a phone call in march from my sister crying, she's pregnant! she's due in october and we are all thrilled! she couldn't be happier. it will happen when it's supposed to and you will be thrilled when it does! hugs!

brynne frei said...

reading this just made my heart break for you. you are so sweet and i can only imagine what you're going through. we'll keep you in our prayers and hope for brighter days ahead. you certainly deserve them! xoxo

Geri Egbert said...

so hard ♥

Kera said...

thank you so much for sharing this. you made me understand the subject on a much deeper level. love you. thinking of you. xx

Kate said...

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I've not had the problem of not getting pregnant, but I've had the problem of not staying pregnant. I just want to say thank you for your honesty with this post and I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you. Much love xx

Makell Southworth said...

Jalene, this is very beautifully written. I am so sorry for your pain and heartache. I am going through the same thing as well and know exactly what you mean about unemphatic doctors telling you to be patient and not knowing how honest to be when people ask. I know that nothing anybody says, really makes it better, but hang in there. I wish you the best of luck!

EJ said...

Little. I am so sorry to hear this. I know there is nothing I can say or do to make you feel better. I know you know you aren't alone in this. What is amazing is that you have a wonderful husband who supports and loves you. You have an incredible, loving family behind you and most of all, the Lord. He loves you and knows the pain you are feeling. Things will work out. Reminds me of a talk Gordon B Hinkley gave. In it he said...
“It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.”
― Gordon B. Hinckley

I hope that helps. Love you. Know that I am here for you.

Chad and Kate said...

Jalene, you don't know me, but I know your sister in law, Leah (we were in the same ward for a bit). I've loved reading your blog! My husband and I tried to get pregnant for three years only to find out our only option of conceiving a baby of our own was through IVF. A completely overwhelming thought. Luckily we saved our pennies and were able to do one round and got pregnant with twin girls. Another overwhelming thought! I just want you to know, you did the absolute best thing possible by opening up on your blog. I wrote about our infertility on my blog and it has helped immensely. I got so sick of people asking why we didn't have kids and having to pretend to laugh and blow it off, while having this deep sting of pain every time it was brought up. Pregnancy is everywhere. Babies are everywhere. Complaining mothers-to-be are everywhere. It's hard. So hard. But you can do this. You got this. You have SO much support, from people you don't even know!
Hearing, "it'll happen when it's supposed to!" is hard. It doesn't make you feel better, I know. However, something big is going to happen. Soon, you are going to get your sweet baby and you will look back on this difficult trial and realize why you went through what you did. And you will love that baby more than you can possibly imagine. You will have a greater appreciation for every blessing you've been given. In the end, you will find that this painful stage in your life is the best thing that could've happened to you. I promise.

Jalene said...

Thanks for sharing your story! And congrats on having twins! I hope they are doing well. Your blog left me on a cliff hanger. ;)

Jalene said...

Thanks for sharing your story! Prayer!!! What would we do without it. I'm still learning how to relinquish control and trust in Him. Hope you get your baby soon!

Jalene said...

Thank you for your comment. It means a lot.

Jalene said...

Thank you. :)

Jalene said...

Thanks for sharing your story! I hope you get your baby soon!

Jalene said...

Thanks for sharing your story! I guess it's true to have people empathize with you. I hope you get your baby soon!

Jalene said...

Thanks sweet girl.

Jalene said...

Next time I see you I owe you a big hug. Loved being able to finally meet you. I feel like we've been friends for such a long time. Hugs.

Jalene said...

Thank you for being so sweet. :)

Jalene said...

Thank you for sharing! I read some of your blog posts. It's nice to know we are not alone. Hope you get your baby soon!

Jalene said...

Thanks for your sweet comment. And thanks for the reminder to not be bitter. It is hard, but out of our control. Everyone has their own trials and timing for things. Why spend it not being happy, right? ;) hugs! Hope you get your baby soon!

Jalene said...

Thanks sweet girl. :)

Jalene said...

Thanks, Anna. Loves.

Jalene said...

Thanks for the sweet card, treat, and visit today. Love you.

Jalene said...

What an amazing story!! Thank you so much for commenting. :)

Jalene said...

Thanks, lady. ;)

Jalene said...

Thanks, Kate! I hope you get your baby soon!

Jalene said...

Thanks for your comment. I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. Hugs. :)

Jalene said...

Thanks, Little. I loved the quote and I love you!

eryka {from abcde} said...

Jalene,

I have been there. Feeling all those things. We only struggled for a short time considering your time. I still felt all those things you do.

It was a struggle for me to really put it all out of my mind and trust 100% in the lord. It sounds easier than it is.

Patienece and trusting in the lord is what helped me get through our small battle with this. I know everyone says it will happen when its suppose too but, its sooo hard to listen to that, right?

I am so sorry you guys have to go through this and I pray that one day you will be blessed with a precious baby!!

Hugs!

Xo
E