I want to thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts with me the other day about my infertility post. I had no idea so many of you still read this silly blog.

I kind of felt silly afterwards for posting it because it happened to be a really bad, and highly emotional day and I ended up sounding really depressed, which I'm not.

I mean, I'm sad and frustrated sometimes with my body, but I'm slowly learning how to relinquish control and realize it's not up to me when and how a baby comes into our family. We have hard days of disappointment, but we are pretty happy and agree that we have really great lives.

I know there are others out there who have dealt with much longer and more difficult infertility struggles than I have. I pray that I never get there, but the reality is, it's a possibility. I want to give you all a big giant hug. I suppose we are all in this together even though our stories are all different.

Again, I suppose all of this is for a reason. I wasn't exactly quite comfortable becoming pregnant early on in our "trying" days. And I'm not sure if I will ever feel completely ready to be a mom. Being a mom opens up a whole world of anxiety for me. It's probably a good thing it didn't happen fast, because now my whole focus has changed to just actually getting pregnant. If that happens, then I can start worrying about being a mom.

My heart aches along with you... all of you who replied with your own infertility struggles. Sometimes I think how unfair it is that people who don't even want a baby can get pregnant so easily... And then I remember that life isn't fair... And then I remember the saying my dad always told me growing up, "If life were fair, we'd all be fairies." And that would just be weird...

In matters of that heart, it is never easy to let go of control of something you desire so much. 

The hardest thing for me to accept is that my body isn't working how it is supposed to. I keep blaming the birth control pill, and it may or may not be the actual reason... I don't know. Half of me wonders what the heck is going on with the world, because I swear, every where I turn, someone I know has complications with fertility. I know there are all these theories on environmental factors and our diets... and I wouldn't be surprised if it were all linked somehow. I've learned that our bodies are very sensitive. And even if no outward symptoms are present, other quiet problems could be affecting us and we may never know.

I just hope those of you who never struggle to get pregnant never take that for granted. It's not like anything else... You can't exactly practice getting pregnant, get better at it each time and finally succeed. We are just left wondering... "Why isn't this working?! It seems so easy for everyone else."

I feel kind of weird talking about where we are in the fertility process, so if that also weirds you out, feel free to stop reading here. But maybe talking about it will offer me some insight of what other people did and what worked for them, etc.

One doctor... my doctor I ditched and couldn't get any answers from... immediately told us we should try IUI based on some test results. It's not as expensive as IVF, but it's still a pretty penny, and I knew there were other steps before IUI that could help get my cycles back on track. So I ditched her... and for many other reasons, and by luck (or divine intervention) found the most amazing fertility doctor.

My fertility doctor, who I love, recommended we try clomifene (clomid) and was hopeful we could get pregnant without doing IUI. That's where we are now. We finally know exactly what is going on every step of the way. Our doctor is so thorough and does regular ultrasounds (luckily I am on two insurances) so we know exactly how I'm responding and everything. I am crossing my fingers I responded to the medication this month. If it's any indication I am responding with how many hot flashes I have been having, then we are on track!

There are really crappy days dealing with infertility... but I'm trying to keep my spirits up and not let it consume me.

Again, I thank you all for being so kind and reaching out. I really really appreciate it. Love you all!


Robby Spratt said...

I actually tried to comment on your previous post, but I realized that I didn't really have anything to say or contribute. I'm a little lacking in experience with this sort of thing.

However, I am reminded of a discussion I once had with my mother.
When I was a teenager. We were watching some show where one of the characters had had a miscarriage, and became depressed and suicidal.
My mother casually mentioned that miscarriages really weren't that big of a deal. This really surprised me, so I asked her what she meant. She told me that she had lots of miscarriages before each of her successful pregnancies. I never knew this. My parents were married for five years before I was born, and there was another five years between me and my next sibling, then two years before our third brother came along.
I had never heard my parents talk about having fertility problems, so I had always assumed that the time between children was deliberate.
They also told me that it had cost them $30,000 to get pregnant the second time. I never knew any of these things.
I don't mean to minimize fertility issues, or say that they aren't a big deal, because I know that they are. I guess what I am trying to say is that learning of my mother's struggles to get pregnant really made me respect her more, and helped me realize how much she loved me, knowing that she had gone through so much to have me.
I know infertility is difficult to go through, but perhaps sometime in the future you will be able to look back and see that sometimes struggling to have children can be a blessing. Maybe it will help your future children to appreciate you more, the way it did with me and my mother.

Talia Jensen said...

Jalene, i hope the best for you and Lincoln. i have no idea how hard it is to go through what youre going through now. thanks for sharing such personal thoughts, i love reading your blog. youre truly amazing.


Alina Smith said...

I think I saw you on our wedding day! You were photographing another wedding.

I am so sorry to hear the sad news. It is okay to feel whatever you feel about TTC